INGO: Joke of the day page

[jkfletcher]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it." [/FONT]

 

[Bunnykid68]

A guy walked into a bar, sat down and ordered a beer. He noticed a fish bowl full of $10 bills. He asked the barkeep what's with the bowl of $10 bills?

Barkeep - well, we got this horse out back, if you put $10 in there and can make the horse laugh it's yours.

Guy - Puts his $10 in the bowl, walks out back and within seconds that horse starts laughing his ass off. He walks back in and grabs his money and leaves.

About a week later he comes back in and orders a beer and notices another fish bowl full of $10 bills.

Guy - Barkeep, what's with the fishbowl full of $10 bills.

Barkeep - You know that horse you got started laughing? Well, we can't get the damn thing to shut up now. You put 10 bucks in and get the horse to quit laughing and it's yours.

Guy - Puts his $10 in the bowl and walks out back, about 20 seconds later the horse is bawling it's eyes out.

He walks back in and grabs his money and starts to leave

Barkeep - How did you get that horse to laugh and cry like that?

Guy - To make him laugh I told him my dick was bigger than his, and to make him cry I showed him

 

[DarkRose]

A guy walked into a bar, sat down and ordered a beer. He noticed a fish bowl full of $10 bills. He asked the barkeep what's with the bowl of $10 bills?

Barkeep - well, we got this horse out back, if you put $10 in there and can make the horse laugh it's yours.

Guy - Puts his $10 in the bowl, walks out back and within seconds that horse starts laughing his ass off. He walks back in and grabs his money and leaves.

About a week later he comes back in and orders a beer and notices another fish bowl full of $10 bills.

Guy - Barkeep, what's with the fishbowl full of $10 bills.

Barkeep - You know that horse you got started laughing? Well, we can't get the damn thing to shut up now. You put 10 bucks in and get the horse to quit laughing and it's yours.

Guy - Puts his $10 in the bowl and walks out back, about 20 seconds later the horse is bawling it's eyes out.

He walks back in and grabs his money and starts to leave

Barkeep - How did you get that horse to laugh and cry like that?

Guy - To make him laugh I told him my dick was bigger than his, and to make him cry I showed him

Gotta love the classics!

 

[halfmileharry]

Eve's side of the story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied.

'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful,
but I have just one problem..


It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes
the other out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a rea pain.'


And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.


'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'


And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it
into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation ?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'



God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob ?'



Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story ?

 

[jkfletcher]

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said: "You've got two choices.
I either maul you to death or we have rough sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear says:
"Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

[slipnotz]

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods.

 

[halfmileharry]

What's the difference in a Cowboy and a Truck driver?

One of them has the crap on the outside of the boots.

 

[smittygj]

Affair with an older woman

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60 year old.
In fact she wasn't too bad at all, and I found
myself thinking that she probably had a
really hot daughter.

We drank a bit (well a little more than a bit)
We had a snuggle, and she asked me if
I ever had a "Sportsman's double?"
"Whats that?" I asked. "It's a mother
and daughter threesome" she said.

"Oh", I said as my mind began to embrace
the idea, "No I haven't" And I wondered what
this daughter of hers might look like.

we drank a bit more, then she says with
a wink that "tonight was my lucky night"

I went back to her place.

We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs
"Mom are you still awake?"

 

[led4thehed2]

A big guy walks into a shoe store and asks the sales associate for help finding a good pair of running shoes. Thinking maybe the guy's interested in taking up jogging for his health, the clerk is happy to oblige. The clerk asks the guy what size shoe he needs and the big guy replies, "I'll take a size 7." Seeing that the man clearly has large feet, the clerk says "Are you sure, sir? I'd guess you're at least a size 12." The man insists on a size 7, so the clerk brings him the shoes.

After a few minutes of obvious discomfort and great struggle, the large man is finally able to mash his feet into the size 7 shoes. The clerk is puzzled and asks the man why he wanted shoes that were clearly far too small. The big man replies "My wife is cheating on me, my son just told me he's gay, my daughter's pregnant, and my boss is a total @ssh*le; the only pleasure I have in life is taking off these f*ck%ng shoes!

Apologies if it's a little racy. Read that one in Playboy years ago and never forgot it.

 

[jkfletcher]

A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Marion County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.... The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Indianapolis Colts Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

 

[Effingham]

That's cold, man.

 

[halfmileharry]

President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, the Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States ..."

 

[A_Brit_In_Indy]

Indianapolis - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Marion County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.... The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Indianapolis Colts Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

 

[Davegrave]

Really? Man its one thing if the joke is way in the middle but at least double check the CURRENT page to make sure the joke you're about to post isn't already on it word for word.

 

[Hoosierdood]

Here is a great one. Tell me if you've heard it before.


A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Marion County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.... The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Indianapolis Colts Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

 

[jmiller676]

Here is a great one. Tell me if you've heard it before.


A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Marion County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.... The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Indianapolis Colts Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

As a matter of fact I haven't!

 

[Turn Key]

[FONT=&quot]The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic (great word, huh?) collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cattle, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), a Crutch of lobster, an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not ....... a Congress!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington. [/FONT]

 

[bmmyers08]

three nuns die and go to heaven. as they are standing at the gates waiting to get in they are each told they have to wash any body parts with holy water that have ever touched a penis.

the first nun walks up to the holy water and puts the end of her finger in. she is then allowed through the gates and into heaven.

suddenly, the third nun jumps infront of the second nun. she is then asked what she is doin? she replies...if you think im drinkin that after she sticks her ass in it you must be crazy!

 

[jkfletcher]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"[/FONT]

 

[Davegrave]

Two fellers was going to the bathroom off a bridge. One of 'em said the water's cold, n' the other'n said it's deep. I recon one of 'em fellers was from Arkansas, git it?