INGO: Joke of the day page

[Doug]

"We don’t allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here," says the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

I chuckled at that joke before you posted it.

Doug

 

[Davegrave]

What do you call a black guy that flies planes for a living?






























A pilot, you freakin racists!

 

[pudly]

I chuckled at that joke before you posted it.

Doug

I knew you would.

 

[littletommy]

Have not seen this one yet

An illegal alien, a muslim, and a communist walk into a bar, bartender looks over and says......

"what'll it be Mr. President"?

 

[BDBHoover]

Three men walk into a bar, the first man says to the other two," I bought my wife 2 gifts for Valentine's Day, a diamond necklace and a diamond bracelet that way if she doesn't like the necklace she will at least like the bracelet." The 2nd man replies," I also got my wife 2 gifts, a fur coat and a ruby necklace that way if she doesn't like the coat she will at least like the necklace." The 3rd man replies," I also got my wife 2 gifts, a t-shirt and a vibrator that way if she doesn't like the shirt, she can go f*#@ herself."

 

[Doug]

A post in the Funny Pic thread reminded me of this one.

Two engineering students meet on the Purdue campus.
The first says, "Cool bike, where'd you get it?"
The second replies, "Well, I was on my way to the physics lab when this hot chick rode up, threw the bike down, took off all her clothes, laid down on the grass, and said, 'Take what you want!' So, I took the bike."
"Good move," the first says, "Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

Doug

 

[sharkey]

How do you tell an introverted engineer from an extroverted engineer?

The introverted engineer stares at his shoes while he talks to you. The extroverted engineer stares at your shoes while he talks to you.

 

[Effingham]

You know the origin for putting angels on the top of Christmas trees?

It was a bad winter. Blizzard almost white-outed the North Pole. The elves were on strike. Santa's wife was after him to lose weight. Two of the reindeer had the trots. Time was short. Then the door opened, and a cheery little angel walked in. "Santa, I brought the Christmas tree. Where do you want me to put it?"

 

[Turn Key]

Went to the bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.


It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.




.

 

[Doug]

The Pub I go to doesn't serve women.

You have to bring your own.


Doug

 

[Effingham]

Went to the bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.


It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.

I laughed. I am *so* going to the special hell.

 

[revolvers&w]

Who's tour daddy

A guy confesses to his lifelong best friend." I have had sex with your wife and you have been raising my child."He then asked Is this going to make us enemies?
The friend replies"no, it makes us even!"

 

[revolvers&w]

PLAYING FAVORITES

An elderly lady was overheard praying before service one Sunday.
"Lord, thanks for giving me the strength to carry on through the loss of my third husband Joe, he was by far my favorite husband.

I also want to thank you for providing many of us down here faith and strength in coping with the loss of beloved actor Patric Swayzee a couple years earlier.He was truly my favorite actor.

It has been ten years since you called my favorite driver Dale Earnhardt home he is missed world wide but our faith in you has hellped heal the pain.

One last thing lord before mass begins, I want you to know that I have seen many Presidents in my lifetime but Barrack Obama is by far my FAVORITE!!!!!!!!!

 

[BDBHoover]

.

 

[SirRealism]

Three men walk into a bar.
The first man says to the other two," Man I am worn out. I went shopping today to get my wife her Valentine's Day present and I ended up getting her 2 gifts, a diamond necklace and a diamond bracelet that way if she doesn't like the necklace, she will at least like the bracelet."
The second man says," I did the same thing but I got my wife a fur coat and a ruby necklace, that way if she didn't like the coat she would like the necklace."
The third man says," That's crazy. I got my wife 2 gifts as well, a t-shirt and a vibrator, that way if she didn't like the t-shirt she could go f*** herself."

Sorry, man, someone scooped you: https://www.indianagunowners.com/fo...ingo_joke_of_the_day_page-37.html#post2235067

 

[jkfletcher]

Remember Lorena Bobbitt ?

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago .

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena .

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage . The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable Condition, and Louella has been charged with . . . ?

A Misdawiener!

 

[Turn Key]

[FONT=&quot]There is finally conclusive evidence that Usama bin Laden is dead.

Yesterday, he registered to vote in Chicago.


[/FONT][FONT=&quot]†[/FONT]

​

 

[halfmileharry]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,

'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'


​

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[ZombieApocolypse]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us at all? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute." "Ye what!!? Get out, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace!" "OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a 10 bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the brand new Mercedes convertible that's parked outside, a membership to the country club, an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and a new..." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. The girl, crying again, "A prostitute! "Oh! Ye scared me to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.

 

[LionWeight]

Whats the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?




TASTE!!!!