INGO: Joke of the day page

[halfmileharry]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony near central Texas... On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.







A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'







The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'







She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies that you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.







The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...







Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.







'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.







'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.







The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.







The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'







'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see ALL of our facilities.'







The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day!!!'

 

[DarkRose]

Posted on the NE Portland Craigslist in 2009, cracks me up every time I read it...:



"We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,
Tad

P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché… "

 

[jkfletcher]

Top 10 reasons to get a Gun over getting a Woman

#10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.

#9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

#8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

#7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

#6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

#5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

#4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

#3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

#2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

And, the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman...

#1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN !!! ​

 

[hooky]

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”

RANCHER: “That would be me.”

 

[jkfletcher]

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans.
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The
guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked. "I've been transferred to New
Orleans. There are crazy people there. They've got lots of
shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the
highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad
as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as
safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've
been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll
take your word for it. So, What do you do for a living?"

"Oh Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

 

[Turn Key]

During his vacation at Martha's Vineyard - Pretender Obama
had been slicing off the tee on every hole.

He asks his Scottish caddy if he has noticed any obvious
reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:

"Aye, there's a piece of crap on the end of yer driver.”
The Pretender picks up his driver and cleans the club face,
at which point the caddy says:

"Nae, the other end."

 

[ZombieApocolypse]

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

 

[halfmileharry]

A woman is having affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 yr old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them together and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home unexpectedly.
She puts her lover in the closet not realizing the little boy is already in there.

The little boys says “It sure is dark in here”.
The man says “Yes it is”
Boy..”I have a baseball”
Man..”That’s nice”
Boy..”Want to buy it”
Man..”No thanks”
Boy..”My dad’s home”
Man..”How much?”
Boy..”$250”
Man..”OK”

In the next few weeks it happens again and the boy and lover are in the closet together.
Boy..”I have a baseball glove”
Lover..”That’s nice”
Boy..”Wanna buy it?”
Man..remembering what happened last time said “Sure, how much?”
Boy...”$750”
Man...Fine.

A couple of days later the father comes home and tells his son to get his ball and glove and they’ll play catch.
The boy replied that he couldn’t because he’d sold them.
Father...”How much did you sell them for?”
Boy...”$1,000”
Father..”That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. It’s way more than they cost new. I’m taking you to church to confess”

The father takes the boy to church and makes him sit in the confessional and closes the door.

Boy...”It sure is dark in here”
Voice on the other side of the confessional..”Don’t start that crap again”

"A man who has nothing which he cares more about than he does about his personal safety is a miserable creature who has no chance at being free, unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself."

 

[pute62]

Indianapolis: A 7 yr old boy was at the center of a Marion County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents & the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law & regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents & he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried & said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family & learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references & confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Indianapolis Colts Football Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Roadie]

That's funny, just like the other 5 times it was posted

 

[Effingham]

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street.

The priest walks into a bar.


The rabbi ducked.

 

[goinggreyfast]

LAID-OFF HUSBAND

After I got laid off, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Walmart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Walmart:

Dear Mrs. Xxxxxx,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Xxxxxx, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance
cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the
fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

My wife doesn't let me go shopping with her anymore. I wonder why. And gosh, I was so looking forward to our next trip to the mall--I was going to suggest we go to Victoria's Secret.

 

[Turn Key]

[FONT=&quot] Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Traveling Circus, a spokesman said "We'll have to get another man of the same caliber."[/FONT]

 

[steve666]

A Cowboy goes to the drug store, and asks for a pack of condoms.
The Pharmacist asks, “You want a bag?"
The Cowboy says, “Nope, she ain't that ugly!"

 

[Kase]

A survey says that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

 

[Caleb]

A survey says that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

Thats funny

 

[Kase]

A Kentucky man goes to his local doctor to see if he can get his daughter on some type of birth control.

When he asks the doctor, the doctor says "How old is your daughter?"

In which the man replies " She's 14"

The doctor then asks "Is your daughter sexually active?"

The man then says " Not really....she just lays there like her mother"

 

[Turn Key]

[FONT=&quot]I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated and must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said, "Obviously, you haven't been listening."
[/FONT]

 

[goinggreyfast]

Thats funny

Not really.

 

[Kase]

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"