INGO: Joke of the day page

[Kagnew]

A joke? How about Obama?

 

[jmiller676]

[FONT=&quot]Be honest and don't look at the movie list below till you have done the math![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Ok, just humor me and do it![/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 17 movies you would enjoy the most.[/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]Movie Quiz[/FONT]:

[FONT=&quot]1. Pick a number from 1-9. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]2. Multiply by 3. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]3. Add 3. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]4. Multiply by 3 again. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]5. Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 17 movies below:[/FONT]





[FONT=&quot]************[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]************[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]************[/FONT]




Movie List:

1. Gone With the Wind

2. E.T.

3. Blazing Saddles

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump

6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

7. Jaws

8. Grease

9. The Obama Farewell Speech of 2012

10. Casablanca

11. Jurassic Park

12. Shrek

13. Pirates of the Caribbean

14. Titanic

15. Raiders of the Lost Ark

16. Home Alone

17. Mrs. Doubtfire


Now, ain't that something..?

THAT IS GOOD!!!

 

[Turn Key]

A joke? How about Obama?

OK

 

[goinggreyfast]

I stopped by the Chevy Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...

The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to
your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your butt year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership... Dang guy had no sense of humor.

 

[spencer rifle]

Why do you always take TWO Baptists fishing with you?

Because if you bring one, he drinks all your beer. If you bring two, they don't drink any.

 

[Turn Key]

Everytime you get four Catholics together there is always a fifth.


~TK

 

[fullauto 45]

Mike and Kathleen had an Irish wedding . ​

At the reception the photographer yelled,
"All the married men please stand next to the
one person who has made your life worth living." ​

The bartender was almost crushed to death. ​

 

[CSORuger]

Sheriff's Office

Hello is this the Sheriff's Office

"Yes, What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's
hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets
it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood for the winter?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

 

[buford t justice]

What I buford t justice know about religion.

Protestants don't recognize the pope.
jews don't recognize Jesus.
And baptists don't recognize each other in a liquor store.

 

[CSORuger]

The Colt's

Q. What do the Indianapolis Colt’s and Dr. Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q. How do you keep the Indianapolis Colt’s out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do the Colt’s and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and are killed on the road!



Indiana State Police handing out tickets for speeding.
For the first offense, they give you two Indianapolis Colt’s tickets.
Second offense, they make you use them.

 

[Mosinowner]

Two hunters from Texas are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

This joke took place in my home state.

 

[Turn Key]

[FONT=&quot]Barack Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me you’re ID"?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the president of the United States of America!!!!" Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check.”

Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into my coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my coffee cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"[/FONT]

 

[Turn Key]

I'm soooo pissed at my wife ..

She had found an ad for a home liposuction kit and spent $180 on it.

It came in the mail today and all that was there was a razor blade and a straw ......



>>

 

[jsharmon7]

Q. What do the Indianapolis Colt’s and Dr. Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q. How do you keep the Indianapolis Colt’s out of your yard?
A. Put up a goal post.

Q. What do the Colt’s and a possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and are killed on the road!



Indiana State Police handing out tickets for speeding.
For the first offense, they give you two Indianapolis Colt’s tickets.
Second offense, they make you use them.

Did you hear they had to halt practice last week and call in a hazmat team? Somebody found a white powder of an unknown origin on the field that nobody on the team could identify. Everything is okay though, it turned out to be the goal line...

 

[DarkRose]

Did you hear they had to halt practice last week and call in a hazmat team? Somebody found a white powder of an unknown origin on the field that nobody on the team could identify. Everything is okay though, it turned out to be the goal line...

 

[buford t justice]

Q.What's long and hard on a redneck?

A.The third grade

 

[sharkey]

"Son, do you know why I pulled you over?"

"You thought I was a donut truck?"

 

[tmkr]

What do you call the first day after two days of rain?






Monday

 

[halfmileharry]

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old.. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You takelaxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse, no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."

Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until seven."

 

[pudly]

"We don’t allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here," says the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.