I always get texts like that from a few friends. A few Aussie friends would send "hug a spastic day". Either they're telling me something or many of my friends are just plain mean.
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INGO: Joke of the day page
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I always get texts like that from a few friends. A few Aussie friends would send "hug a spastic day". Either they're telling me something or many of my friends are just plain mean.
In Honor of Valentine's Day
Redneck Valentine's Day Poems:
Your hair is like cornsilk,
A-flappin’ in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s,
And without all them fleas.
When you hold me real tight,
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.
Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie,
With a RC cold drank,
We go together,
Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-mart,
It’s romantic that way.
Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?
Redneck Valentine's Day Poems:
Your hair is like cornsilk,
A-flappin’ in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s,
And without all them fleas.
When you hold me real tight,
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.
Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie,
With a RC cold drank,
We go together,
Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-mart,
It’s romantic that way.
Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?
Have to add one I just was handed today:
A sales manager got a complaint that his salesmen were returning from lunch drunk & stinking of gin. He told his people to switch to vodka martinis so they wouldn't stink of booze.
After a week he told his people to switch back to the gin martinis. He said he would rather have customers think his people were drunks instead of stupid.
A sales manager got a complaint that his salesmen were returning from lunch drunk & stinking of gin. He told his people to switch to vodka martinis so they wouldn't stink of booze.
After a week he told his people to switch back to the gin martinis. He said he would rather have customers think his people were drunks instead of stupid.
w_ADAM_d88
Master
Hope this isn't too soon...
What's 6 inches long and didn't get sucked yesterday?
Whitney Houston's crack pipe!
What's 6 inches long and didn't get sucked yesterday?
Whitney Houston's crack pipe!
The Magic Green Cap ...
The other day I needed to go to the emergency room after a home mishap. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN CAP. When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.
I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the cap.
It also works at BMV. It saved me 5 hours.
At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.
But...don't try it at McDonald's. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order!
The other day I needed to go to the emergency room after a home mishap. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN CAP. When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.
I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the cap.
It also works at BMV. It saved me 5 hours.
At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.
But...don't try it at McDonald's. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order!
Hope this isnt a repeat....
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands to get the job done
After months of careful research, Bank of America have developed MALE & FEMALE Procedures for the proper usage of their Bank drive through ATM Machines, which other banks are thinking about implementing.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-xOtbr2bjE[/ame]
ThrottleJockey
Shooter
A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny opens the door, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.
The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"
The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:
"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"
My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:
"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"
My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
blamecharles
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