INGO: Joke of the day page

[Mongo59]

What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

A hooker will stop screwing you when you run out of money...

 

[AndreusMaximus]

Once upon a time a man was traveling in a remote area of Asia and stopped into a restaurant for a bite to eat. No sooner had he sat down at his table, then a large panda bear came strolling in through the door, sat down at another table, and ordered a plate of food. As the waiter brought the panda his meal, the man noticed that everyone in the restaurant kept watching the panda bear anxiously. He was about to ask the waiter what everyone seemed to tense about, when the panda bear finished his food, and suddenly stood up from his chair, pulled out a revolver from the folds of his fur, fired all six shots into the restaurant ceiling, and then dashed out the door.

"Those darn pandas, they're all the same!" yelled the waiter in an angry voice.

"Does this sort of thing happen pretty often?" the man asked.

"Yep," said the waiter, "Every time a panda bear comes in here he just eats shoots and leaves."

 

[actaeon277]

An old man crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son as he is about to speak the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him and you !”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.” In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad I train Navy Seals not dolphins"

 

[Nazgul]

An old man crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son as he is about to speak the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him and you !”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.” In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad I train Navy Seals not dolphins"

Would only take 1 SEAL and he could do it over the phone!!

Don

 

[JCSR]

My wife still thinks I’m sexy after all these years. As I was walking through the living room the other day I heard her say “What an ass.”

 

[JCSR]

I had a rough day. My wife said I had a suppository stuck in my ear. And to make things worse I can't find my hearing aid.

 

[Ballstater98]

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

 

[N9Zero]

I heard a good one the other day.. Ahem..

A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.

As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God: Oh please God, in your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a good Christian!
Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log and goes sprawling. The bear catches up and approaches the terrified priest. Rising up on its hind legs, it puts its paws together, and says;

“Lord, thank you for this meal that I am about to receive.”

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

 

[Cameramonkey]

A duck walked into a bar and went up to the bartender and asked, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, a little peeved, said, "This is a bar, not a grocery store. NO, we don't have grapes!"

The duck walked out of the bar but was back again the next day. He again walked up to the bartender and asked, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, his face turning red, said, "I told you yesterday! WE DON'T SELL GRAPES! WE DON'T HAVE GRAPES! If you ask me again, I'm going to nail your bill to the bar!"

The duck walked out but was back again the next day. He walked up to the bartender and asked, "Got any nails?"

The bartender, not expecting the question, said, "No?"

The duck then said, "Got any grapes?"

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

 

[nonobaddog]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.” Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.” This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.” She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 

[Cameramonkey]

A rich blonde walks into her fancy NYC bank and asks to speak to the manager. She tells him "I need a $5,000 loan. I'll put down my Bugatti as collateral." The manager is shocked because he knows she is rich. He says that even with collateral, their loan rates are 5% APR. Pretty high all things considered. She says that is fine and hands over the keys to the Bugatti and leaves with the cash.

A year passes and the blonde returns. She once again asks for the manager. He welcomes her and she says "Here is a check for the loan. Its $5,250, right?" The manager confirms and hands her the keys to the Bugatti. She thanks him and starts to walk out. A she gets to the door he stops her. "I'm sorry. I'm really confused. You are loaded and have plenty of money. You are known as a very astute investor that can make money on nearly anything and didnt need this. Why did you take out this loan? "

She replied. "I just spent the last year on a cruise around the world. Where else could I safely park my Bugatti in NYC for a year for only $250?"