INGO: Joke of the day page

[actaeon277]

 

[jamil]

View attachment 190271

But why bother naming him? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

He just let the damn thing go free after 9 days.

 

[Dentoro]

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

They say he made a mint.

A cheese factory exploded in France.

Da brie is everywhere!

 

[Drewski]

All my kid does is watch other kids on youtube playing video games. I asked him, "Why don't you play video games yourself?"

So he replies, "You watch other guys play football all day, why don't you play football yourself?"

"Hmm," I thought. Then I unplugged the WiFi.

 

[Drewski]

A Mexican magician said he would vanish on the count of three.

He says, "Uno, dos..." and POOF! he was gone.

He disappeared without a tres.

 

[Drewski]

What's the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

 

[Ruger_Ronin]

Woman walks into a bar with a mini skirt on and no panties. Walks up to the bar and orders a beer. Guy sitting next to her says to the bartender, "Boy, I'd sure like to eat ice cream out of that". The woman overhears what the guy said and storms out of the bar. When she gets home, she squawks to her husband, "Blaw blaw blaw, waa waa waa, go kick his ass". Her husband replies, "No, I'm not gonna go kick his ass. First off, you shouldn't have gone there by yourself, second, you should have been wearing panties, and third, I'm not messing with anyone that can eat that much ice cream".

Gene Tracy?

 

[jamil]

All my kid does is watch other kids on youtube playing video games. I asked him, "Why don't you play video games yourself?"

So he replies, "You watch other guys play football all day, why don't you play football yourself?"

"Hmm," I thought. Then I unplugged the WiFi.

A Mexican magician said he would vanish on the count of three.

He says, "Uno, dos..." and POOF! he was gone.

He disappeared without a tres.

What's the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

Eh, two out of three ain't bad.

 

[spencer rifle]

Did you hear about:
The blonde that slept on her stomach during all of 1942 because she heard the Japanese were looking for a naval base?
The blonde sitting on her porch crying because her husband was out shooting craps and she didn't know how to cook it?

A blonde was driving down a country road when she saw another blonde in the middle of a field in a rowboat, rowing but not getting anywhere. She screeched her car to a stop and climbed on the fence next to the field and shouted "Hey, you stupid girl! What do you think you're doing? It's people like you that give us blondes a reputation for being dumb, and if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

 

[BigRed]

Little Johnny was in his Kindergarten class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman. Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some screaming customer and take it up the ***".

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring in and took little Johnny aside to ask him "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Johnny, "he actually works for atf, but I was too embarrassed to say".

 

[tmcindy]

Gene Tracy?

I think you're right. I know it's an oldie. That's why I posted it, figured most the younger crowd never heard it.

Yup, just Googled it, you're right. The original is a bit different than the version I heard, isn't it?

 

[Ruger_Ronin]

I think you're right. I know it's an oldie. That's why I posted it, figured most the younger crowd never heard it.

Yup, just Googled it, you're right. The original is a bit different than the version I heard, isn't it?

Slightly, but the core is there.

Gene Tracy is one of my favorites, and I'm from the younger crowd! My favorite is the "duck joke" of his lineup.

 

[MCgrease08]

A baby polar bear comes home from school and asks his mother if he’s really a polar bear. Mom says, “Of course you are, honey! Now go do your homework before we have dinner.”

The next day, the baby polar bear comes home from school and asks his grandfather if he’s really a polar bear. Grandpa says, “Of course you are, kiddo! Now go do your homework before we have dinner.”

The third day, the baby polar bear comes home from school and asks his grandmother if he’s really a polar bear. Grandma says, “Of course you are, sweetie! Now go do your homework before we have dinner.”

On the fourth day, the baby polar bear comes home from school and asks his father if he’s really a polar bear. Dad raises his voice as he responds, “Wait a minute. I heard you ask Mom that question and she told you yes, you’re a polar bear. Then you asked Grandma and Grandpa the same thing and they also said you’re a polar bear. Now you’re coming to me, so I have to know: why do you keep asking everyone if you’re a real polar bear?”

The baby polar bear replies: “Because I’m f***ing freezing!”

 

[AndreusMaximus]

One time a bartender in the old west was serving customers as a Saloon. Suddenly a man came running in through the door and yelled, "Everyone, look out! Big John's coming!" The bartender hadn't ever heard of "Big John," but apparently everyone else in the bar had, as they all ran out in a mad stampede, and made tracks out of the town as fast as they could.

The bartender was inclined to leave as well, but he was overcome by curiosity, and decided to see what this Big John fellow was really like. He hadn't waited long before a wild buffalo came charging into town. On it's back was riding the biggest, burliest man the bartender had ever seen. On his hips were two Gatling guns, his hat was so big it blocked out the sun, and to goad his buffalo on he used a rattle snake for a whip. He stopped his buffalo right in front of the saloon, barged through the door, came up to the counter and slammed his fist down so hard it cracked the oaken boards. "I'll take a bottle of whiskey," he demanded in a low growl. The bartender hurriedly handed him a bottle, of which he bit the neck off with his bare teeth, and downed the whole thing in one gulp. As he turned to leave, the bartender, grateful to have remained unharmed, called out politely, "Would you like anything else, sir?" The man replied, "I ain't got time, Big John's coming."

 

[Dentoro]

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?"And I told him, "No it doesn't!"

 

[Ironhippie]

What's the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

Now thats funny.

 

[AndreusMaximus]

What does a suppressor say when you tell it something it doesn't understand?


I'm baffled.

 

[Drewski]

Eh, two out of three ain't bad.

 

[actaeon277]

A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”

 

[Ruger_Ronin]

Been listening to Gene Tracy a lot last couple days. This was one of my favorite cassettes. NSFW!