INGO: Joke of the day page

[radar8756]

Why do birds fly upside down over Chicago?


Nothing worth S****ing On

 

[DragonGunner]

Museum was built and a famous painter was asked to paint his impression of Custers Last Stand on a huge wall. The painter painted in secret for 6 months. Then the crowd gathered for the unveiling, and down it came with the painter and museum guy standing there. The people just looked in total amazement. There in the painting was a huge hill with cows standing with angel halos over their heads, while naked Indians were dancing and committing fornication around the cows. The museum guy looked at the painter and said "I asked you to paint your impression of Custers last stand?" The painter said "I did, this is my impression of what Custer was thinking just before he died......'Holy cow look at all those F****** Indians"

A old retired Army Sgt. told me that joke at work 30 years ago....LMAO every time I think about it.

 

[Doug]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
It's only a joke; you don't have to cry about it.

 

[eldirector]

There are two types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.

 

[Bugzilla]

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks Why the long face?
John Kerry walks into a bar. Bartender asks Why the long face?

 

[BigRed]

An Irishman went to confession.

"Father", he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

Soon, another Irishman entered the confessional.

"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've been having sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied.

"Very well", sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."

At mass the next morning as the priest was preparing to deliver the sermon a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church were on her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short and she was wearing matching, shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as she sat with her legs spread slightly apart ...just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears, but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."

 

[BigRed]

The barber answers, "oh, you're a holy man, I can't charge anything." He gives the priest a trim, the priest thanks him, and leaves. The next day, the barber finds some gold coins on his doorstep.

After a few weeks, a preacher comes to the shop. He asks the barber how much it would cost for a beard trim and waxing. The barber answers, "you're a holy man, I simply could not ask you to pay anything." The preacher thanks him for the service and leaves. The next day, the barber finds some gold coins on his doorstep.

A few weeks pass and a rabbi comes to the store and asks how much a haircut would be. The barber tells him, "I could not charge you anything as you are a holy man." The rabbi thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the barber finds 12 rabbis in a line on his doorstep.

 

[BugI02]

Two irishmen close down the pub and are walking home together. As they are passing a grave yard, one spies a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man"

He points it out to his friend and says "Sure'n Shawn, they've gone and buried two men in the same grave"

 

[cosermann]

I met a microbiologist yesterday . . . he was bigger than I expected.

 

[Creedmoor]

Guy wants to buy a Harley, gets talked into a made in India for twice what he was going to spend instead...

 

[Ironhippie]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
It's only a joke; you don't have to cry about it.

A true classic.

 

[Pepi]

For Sale: Radio with volume stuck on full. 1 dollar

"Can't turn that deal down"

 

[Ironhippie]

Guy wants to buy a Harley, gets talked into a made in India for twice what he was going to spend instead...

 

[AndreusMaximus]

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger...

then it hit me.

 

[BigRed]

Three dogs are at the vet's office.

The first, a Jack Russell Terrier, says, "I kept humping everything in sight. The neighbor's cat, my master's leg, the couch, you name it. Plus, I peed in the corners and chewed the mail every time it got delivered. So they're going to neuter me to see if it will calm me down."

The second, a mutt, says, "That's kind of why I'm here, too. Six litters of puppies up and down the street that all look like me. My owners are tired of the angry calls. So my junk gets snipped too."

The third dog is a Great Dane. "My master is a pretty young thing. Yesterday after her shower, she bent over to dry her legs and I just couldn't help myself. Mounted up and went to town."

The other two stare at him in disbelief. "They're going to cut off your nuts off for that?"

"What? No, I'm here to get my nails trimmed."

 

[Bigtanker]

Merged

 

[tmcindy]

Paddy arrives late for his doctor's appointment, but, cannot find a parking spot. He asks god, "please Lord, I'll give up drinking for a week if you can find me a parking spot". Miraculously, a parking spot appears right in the front row. Paddy says, "never mind, I found one".

 

[Dentoro]

How can you tell a tree is a dogwood?

By its bark. ‍

 

[jamil]

View attachment 187044

Ah, whatdayacallit? You know, the thing. That place where you put fires. You know. The fire place.

And then it stuck.

 

[Dentoro]

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it's $1.50. You know why????

Inflation!!!!