INGO: Joke of the day page

[Chewie]

Also, exceeding the local command's radiation limit did not make me glow, or turn me into the Hulk.
Sad.

Yeah, one question for you though....how's that 3rd eye working out for you?

 

[Nazgul]

Yeah, one question for you though....how's that 3rd eye working out for you?

Hey that's a crappy thing to ask Act.

Don

 

[rhamersley]

 

[Alamo]

What do you call s musician who has broken up with his girlfriend?





Homeless.

 

[Alamo]

A nurse exhausted from a double shift stops in the bank on the way home. She grabs a withdrawal slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of from behind her ear and starts to try to write.

“Dammit” she says. “Some @$$hole has my pen!”

 

[rhamersley]

 

[rhamersley]

Is google a man or a woman?

A woman of course, because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a recommendation.

 

[rhamersley]

A passenger plane is flying through the air when it loses all engines. Before the plane crashes a woman traveller stands up and screams out "I want to die feeling like I am a woman!!"

She proceeds to rip off all her clothes and says "Is there anyone man enough on this plane to make me feel like a woman?"

A bloke in the back stands up, rips off his shirt and says "iron this!".

 

[rhamersley]

A lady had been taking golf lessons and was playing her very first round of golf when she was unfortunately stung by a bee. She was in agony and decided to head back to the clubhouse to get some medical help.

Her golf instructor saw her heading back and asked "you were only out there ten minutes, why are you back so soon? what is the matter?"

The lady replied "A bee stung me!"

The instructor asked "Where abouts?"

The lady replied "Between the first and the second hole".

The instructor knowingly nods his head and replies "Your stance is a little too wide".

 

[actaeon277]

Yeah, one question for you though....how's that 3rd eye working out for you?

I did not see that coming.

 

[Doug]

I did not see that coming.

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

 

[JCSR]

IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAILS CONCERNING MY DOG... Please be advised I am sick to death of receiving questions about my dog who mauled 6 illegals wearing Obama t-shirts, 4 Democrats wearing Pelosi t-shirts, 2 war protesters, 10 Zynga programmers, 5 phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English, 9 teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, 8 customer service desk people speaking in broken English, and 3 flag burners. FOR THE LAST TIME... MY DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!!!!!!!!!

 

[Mongo59]

A visitor was coming to observe a 4th grade elementary school class. The teacher tells the class that when called you are to stand up and say what your father does for a living and then spell it.

The teacher first calls on Mary, she says, "My father is a fireman, F_I_R_E_M_A_N, and if he were here today he would tell you if you ever catch fire you should stop, drop and roll."

Very good Mary! Now it is Tyrone's turn.

Tyrone says, My father is an electrician, E_L_E_K.."

"That is ok Tyrone" the teacher says, "we will come back to you later." Uh, Bobby.

Bobby stands up and says, "My father is a cop, C_O_P, and if he were here today he would tell you to always look both ways before crossing the street."

Very good Bobby! Now back to Tyrone.

"Electrician, E_L_E_Q..."

That's ok Tyrone, Johnny...

Johnny stands up and says, "My dad is a bookie, B_O_O_K_I_E, and if he was here today hey would say that he will give you 10:1 that Tyrone over there never spells electrician..."

 

[tomcat13]

Irish Joke:

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passenger-by stopped and asked him, 'What are you doing?'

'Fishing,' the old man replied.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the passenger said, 'Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.'

In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior, cannot resist asking, 'So how many have you caught today?'

'You're the 8th,' the old man said.

 

[Drewski]

Irish Joke:

The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passenger-by stopped and asked him, 'What are you doing?'

'Fishing,' the old man replied.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the passenger said, 'Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.'

In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior, cannot resist asking, 'So how many have you caught today?'

'You're the 8th,' the old man said.

One day Mrs. Murphy hears a knock at the front door of her Dublin home.
"Ah, good day Fr. Flanagan, what brings you here?"
Fr. Flanagan says, "I bring news from the Guinness brewery about your dear husband, Michael."
"Yes Father, what of Michael? He's enjoying his new job there," says Mrs. Murphy.
"Well, I'm afraid it's bad news - aye, the worst. It seems he fell into one of the vats and he drowned."
Mrs. Murphy falls to her knees in sorrow, "Oh Father, please tell me, he didn't suffer and that the Lord took him quickly."
"Oh no, my dear, it wasn't quick at all. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

 

[MCgrease08]

A man wandering home drunk from the pub, kicks in the front door of his house and stumbles in with a duck under his arm. His wife, annoyed at another drunken disruption, begins to berate him. "Why are you home so late again?" she yells. "And what do you think you're doing coming in like a whirlwind?"

The man looks his wife in the eye and says angrily, "this is the pig I've been screwing."

The wife replies, "that's a duck you drunken old fool."

The man says, "I WAS TALKING TO THE DUCK!"

 

[Mongo59]

Two Irishmen sitting at the bar. One says to the other, "I couldn't help but notice you accent, could it be you are from the old country?"

"Why yes", the other replies, "would you be from there also?"

"Surely you would be a know'n it" he replies.

"Say", he asks, "you wouldn't be from County Cork would you."

"Why yes I am", he replies.

"Yes, but which town would you be from?

"Ballinora of course!"

"You wouldn't say! I too am from Ballinora! But which high school did you go to?"

"I went to St Michael's."

"Well I too went to St Michael's!"

Mean while another customer comes to the bar and the bar keep is rolling his eyes. The customer asks, "What is the problem?"

The bar keep says, "Oh, it is going to be a long night. The O'Sullivan twins are drunk again..."