-
Be sure to read this post! Beware of scammers. https://www.indianagunowners.com/threads/classifieds-new-online-payment-guidelines-rules-paypal-venmo-zelle-etc.511734/
INGO: Joke of the day page
- Thread starter FordMan08
- Start date
-
- Tags
- ban mbills!
The #1 community for Gun Owners in Indiana
Member Benefits:
Fewer Ads! Discuss all aspects of firearm ownership Discuss anti-gun legislation Buy, sell, and trade in the classified section Chat with Local gun shops, ranges, trainers & other businesses Discover free outdoor shooting areas View up to date on firearm-related events Share photos & video with other members ...and so much more!
Member Benefits:
What did the Cop say when he went to arrest an INGO Mod?
"Come Out With Your Pants Up".
Hey! If sombrero-wearing, ***less chaps rocking, warm butter spreading INGO nights are wrong, then I don't want to be right.
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"
And the husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!"
And the husband began — "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued – "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?'"
And she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"
And the husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!"
And the husband began — "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same."
The husband took a quick breath and continued – "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?'"
Last edited:
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”
“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.
“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.
“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing.
We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
“Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two.
“Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”
“We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde.
“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses,” said the Game Warden.
“But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing.
We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
“Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden. “Take all the debris you want.” And with that, he left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two.
“Doesn’t he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?”
At at the end of the day, when they haven't caught any fish... Do you think they'll attribute it to the trout being stainless steelhead?
Well, that assumes that they know that magnets don't attract stainless steel, which may be a stretch with this bunch.
On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped. John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to kill myself!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," John also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' John here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, John gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" She explained, "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…
He finds his way to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, do you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it’s only fair that you should know five things since you’re blind.”
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a Billy-Club
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman to your right is a blonde professional wrestler.
5. The person to my right is a blonde weight lifter.
“Now think seriously, cowboy… Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?”
The cowboy sits and thinks for a second, then shakes his head.
“No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times…”
He finds his way to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, do you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it’s only fair that you should know five things since you’re blind.”
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a Billy-Club
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman to your right is a blonde professional wrestler.
5. The person to my right is a blonde weight lifter.
“Now think seriously, cowboy… Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?”
The cowboy sits and thinks for a second, then shakes his head.
“No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times…”
Bill and Hillary go to Las Vegas and check into a ritzy hotel….
hillary-clintonThey go to the best restaurant in the hotel and after having dinner Hillary complains about having a headache and tells Bill she’s going upstairs, take some aspirin and go to bed.
Bill goes into the hotel bar, orders a drink and asks the bartender if there is any action in the place.
The bartender points Bill to an attractive hooker at the end of the bar.
Bill approaches her and offers her $20.
The hooker responds, ”For $20 I won’t even talk to you”.
Bill leaves and takes the elevator upstairs.
The next morning Bill and Hillary get on the elevator to go for breakfast. As luck would have it two floors down the elevator stops and the hooker gets in.
The hooker looked at Hillary, laughs and says to Bill: “That’s what you get for $20.”
hillary-clintonThey go to the best restaurant in the hotel and after having dinner Hillary complains about having a headache and tells Bill she’s going upstairs, take some aspirin and go to bed.
Bill goes into the hotel bar, orders a drink and asks the bartender if there is any action in the place.
The bartender points Bill to an attractive hooker at the end of the bar.
Bill approaches her and offers her $20.
The hooker responds, ”For $20 I won’t even talk to you”.
Bill leaves and takes the elevator upstairs.
The next morning Bill and Hillary get on the elevator to go for breakfast. As luck would have it two floors down the elevator stops and the hooker gets in.
The hooker looked at Hillary, laughs and says to Bill: “That’s what you get for $20.”
Doug Smith in on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready, he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”
“My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings. And as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated so much property.”
Sarah replies, “Property? The old bugger had a paper route!”
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”
“My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings. And as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated so much property.”
Sarah replies, “Property? The old bugger had a paper route!”
Gluemanz28
Grandmaster
Gluemanz28
Grandmaster
[SUP]A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you d id for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.” “My darling,” he replied,” think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”[/SUP]
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen."
The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"
The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"
"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"Aha!" she exclaimed. "He's the one who's been peein' in the refrigerator!"
The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"
The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"
"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"Aha!" she exclaimed. "He's the one who's been peein' in the refrigerator!"
A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back.
A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."
A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."
Site Supporter
Members online
- warren5421
- ZurokSlayer7X9
- tradertator
- Riflemen14
- BillD
- flyingsquirrel
- huntall50
- evsnova74
- MrSmitty
- CB1911
- Johnhammel13
- OIIIIIO
- BP84
- chadm
- joreharr
- Dog1
- DoggyDaddy
- ditcherman
- ancjr
- KG1
- bulldogs42
- stevezx2
- indyblue
- STEEL CORE
- dweezil
- Demoderb1989
- Chaplain
- Mgderf
- Malware
- Ziggidy
- DCR
- Grahmz
- tjh88
- snapping turtle
- BeDome
- AKMSU
- loudgroove
- Rong
- oDbCo
- OneBadV8
- Jdubbs
- Bollorollo
- LeverGunFan
- maxipum
- chezuki
- 42253
- Vimace
- Scott58
- Telliott
- Waveraider