INGO: Joke of the day page

[sharkey]

That's wrong, so wrong. And I can't rep Jerchap2.

 

[Roadie]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.


“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”


“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my bike had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man… and then my dog bit me.”


“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!


“But, enough about me, how are you feeling?”

 

[hoosierdoc]

A nurse ran up to me asking me to sign a form. I said fine, reached into my pocket and came out with a rectal thermometer. Seems some a-hole still has my pen.

 

[Roadie]

 

[patience0830]

A nurse ran up to me asking me to sign a form. I said fine, reached into my pocket and came out with a rectal thermometer. Seems some a-hole still has my pen.

Now that's funny. I don't care who you are.

 

[Bigtanker]

2 muffins are in an oven. One says to the other "Man it's hot in here." The other says "Holy crap. A talking muffin!"

 

[yepthatsme]

“Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.” “And what happened honey?” he asked.

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

Then Daddy says,

“Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”

Now, that's a good one.

 

[Gluemanz28]

A nurse ran up to me asking me to sign a form. I said fine, reached into my pocket and came out with a rectal thermometer. Seems some a-hole still has my pen.

What's the difference between and Oral and a Rectal thermometer?




Give up yet??????











The taste

 

[Gluemanz28]

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”
“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.
The next week, John is much happier.
“The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal.
“Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”
“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.
“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

 

[hoosierdoc]

Now that's funny. I don't care who you are.

A patient told me that last week

 

[MrPeabody]

Two protons walk into a bar and sit at a table. The bar tender ask the first proton what he would like. He orders a beer. The bartender asked the second proton if he would also like a beer. The second proton says no. The bartender says are you sure? The second proton says No, I'm positive......

 

[hoosierdoc]

This neutron walks into a bar, orders a drink, opens his wallet to pay when the barman shakes his head and says………. “for you, no charge”


​

 

[ArcadiaGP]

I have two requirements in my will

1) I want my remains spread out at Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated.

 

[femurphy77]

My neighbor just called me with some bad news; he told me that they just found out that his wife of many years was just diagnosed as highly allergic to their three beloved Labs. He's hoping that someone will open their hearts and home and take her in so he doesn't have to get rid of the dogs!

 

[MCgrease08]

A penguin on a road trip starts having engine trouble while passing through a small Midwestern town. He manages to limp his little penguin car to a local mechanic's shop just before it gives up on him.

"I can take a look at the engine this afternoon," the mechanic tells the penguin, "but I've got a couple of jobs before I can get to yours. There's a little diner across the street. Go grab some lunch and I should be working on it by the time you get back."

The penguin waddles across the road to the diner and orders a fish sandwich for lunch. After lunch he walks back across the road to the mechanic's.

The mechanic emerges from the garage to meet the penguin as he's coming up the drive.

"It looks like you blew a seal," he tells the penguin.

The penguin raises his flipper to the corner of his beak, "oh that's just a little tartar sauce."

 

[Jerchap2]

What's the difference between and Oral and a Rectal thermometer?




Give up yet??????











The taste

 

[Jerchap2]

His name was Bubba, he was from Texas ... And he needed a loan, So...

He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.


Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the
bank's private underground garage and parked it.


Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of 23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a distinguished alumni from Texas A & M, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines in Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"


The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"


His name was BUBBA.... Keep an eye on those Texas boys!


Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid !!!

 

[SchwansManDan]

Sven and Ole who worked together were both laid off, so off they were to the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week unemployment pay.


Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave him $600 a week.


When Ole finds out he is furious. He stormed back to find out why Sven, his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.'"

 

[ArcadiaGP]

How about really tasteless jokes? Those cool here?


There's a new Feminist Barbie. When you pull the string, it says "Math is hard. Let's lie about rape."

 

[Gluemanz28]

What did the Cop say when he went to arrest an INGO Mod?



"Come Out With Your Pants Up".