A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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sorry if this is a repost:
A couple has a dog that snores.
Annoyed because she can't sleep,
the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles,
and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep
Muttering to herself,
she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon
and ties it carefully around the
dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.
The woman is amazed.
Later that night,
her husband returns home drunk
from being out drinking with his buddies.
He climbs into bed,
falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him.
So, she goes to the closet again,
grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor
and stumbles into the bathroom.
As he stands in front of the toilet,
he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused,
and as he walks back into the bedroom,
he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,
'I don't know where we were or what we did,
but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place