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INGO: Joke of the day page
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A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So, the little boy asked the flight attendant: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant asked: "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
He said that she had.
With a clever grin, she said: "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."
TK
The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So, the little boy asked the flight attendant: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant asked: "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
He said that she had.
With a clever grin, she said: "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."
TK
Most people I tell this story to believe it to be a joke. I can only offer my word to prove it really happened to me.
As I was approaching an intersection in my work van, I noticed an elderly gentleman waiting to cross in front of me. I waved him across and patiently waited as he slowly made his way to the other side. It was a nice day and my windows were open. When he arrived at the curb, he turned and said "Thank you. I wasn't sure you were going to wait for me." I responded "That's OK sir, you're the pedestrian." He looked at me and at first appeared to be confused, then a little annoyed and said "No I'm not! I'm a Baptist!"
As I was approaching an intersection in my work van, I noticed an elderly gentleman waiting to cross in front of me. I waved him across and patiently waited as he slowly made his way to the other side. It was a nice day and my windows were open. When he arrived at the curb, he turned and said "Thank you. I wasn't sure you were going to wait for me." I responded "That's OK sir, you're the pedestrian." He looked at me and at first appeared to be confused, then a little annoyed and said "No I'm not! I'm a Baptist!"
A hillbilly farmer
who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,’ Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,’ Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question...The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'
==
who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,’ Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,’ Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question...The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'
==
A man who worked in a pickle factory came home one day and said to his wife "Sorry dear, I got fired today for putting my (insert slang term of choice here) in the pickle slicer." His wife immediately pulled down his pants and was surprised to see he was fully intact. "I don't understand" She said, "what about the pickle slicer?" Her husband answered "Oh, she got fired too."
The Jewish Christmas
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time? Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all ourtoys.
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Bentley; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves... And begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have in Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas.
.
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time? Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all ourtoys.
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year.... Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Bentley; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves... And begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have in Jesus." Then we all go to the Bahamas.
.
hornadylnl
Shooter
- Nov 19, 2008
- 21,505
- 63
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do
you think about that Doc ?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'
One day he was setting off
to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane
instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left
his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..'
'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
'So what do
you think about that Doc ?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'
One day he was setting off
to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane
instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left
his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..'
'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'
December 28, 2009
Department of Homeland Security Issues Terrorist ID Cards
Requires Application, $25 Fee
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In the wake of the Christmas Day airline terror attempt, the Department of Homeland Security today said it was instituting a bold new series of security measures, including issuing an official "proof of terrorism" I.D. card.
"All potential terrorists must have the terrorist I.D. card in order to be barred from boarding," said Homeland Security secretary Janet Napolitano. "If you want to get on the no-fly list you'll need a completed application and the $25 fee."
Ms. Napolitano said that while the terror suspect's father had warned the U.S. about his son weeks before the incident, the Homeland Security Dept. was tightening rules in that area as well: "In the future, it will be necessary for a terrorist's mom and dad to warn us before we take it seriously."
The Homeland Security chief said that her department would continue to crack down on the primary threat to air safety: shampoo.
"We will be looking out for shampoo like never before," she said. "If you want to smuggle it on board, you had better hide it with your bomb-making supplies."
She also praised the Department's decision to ban in-flight bathroom use: "One thing every terrorist has in common is that they eventually need to pee."
=
Department of Homeland Security Issues Terrorist ID Cards
Requires Application, $25 Fee
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In the wake of the Christmas Day airline terror attempt, the Department of Homeland Security today said it was instituting a bold new series of security measures, including issuing an official "proof of terrorism" I.D. card.
"All potential terrorists must have the terrorist I.D. card in order to be barred from boarding," said Homeland Security secretary Janet Napolitano. "If you want to get on the no-fly list you'll need a completed application and the $25 fee."
Ms. Napolitano said that while the terror suspect's father had warned the U.S. about his son weeks before the incident, the Homeland Security Dept. was tightening rules in that area as well: "In the future, it will be necessary for a terrorist's mom and dad to warn us before we take it seriously."
The Homeland Security chief said that her department would continue to crack down on the primary threat to air safety: shampoo.
"We will be looking out for shampoo like never before," she said. "If you want to smuggle it on board, you had better hide it with your bomb-making supplies."
She also praised the Department's decision to ban in-flight bathroom use: "One thing every terrorist has in common is that they eventually need to pee."
=
MY DOG
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup,
and again duringthe year if any medical needs arise.
For this He pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than
He needs,
He needs,
but He is not required to do any upkeep.
If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king,
and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this,
and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,
Holy crap! My dog is a democrat!
TK 
It's so cold I saw a Democrat with their hands in their own pockets.
MY DOG
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup, and again duringthe year if any medical needs arise. For this He pays nothing and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than
He needs, but He is not required to do any upkeep. If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy crap! My dog is a democrat!
TK
Bravo!
hotfarmboy1
Grandmaster
Nothings worse after sex than looking down and seeing a broken condom hanging off your tool.......Especially when you weren't wearing one. 
The Good Grandpa
A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved three year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."
Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here... Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Steve."
A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved three year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."
Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here... Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "But, I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Steve."
buzzard pickins
Sharpshooter
Grandma waiting at the meat case, scanning the turkeys, for the holidays. When her number is called she voices her concern."My good man, we have a very large family, all you have displayed are medium sized birds. Do your turkeys get any bigger?"
Butcher: No mam, with respect to you, THEIR DEAD!
Butcher: No mam, with respect to you, THEIR DEAD!
HER DIARY
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made
plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with
my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the
fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept
quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said
nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On
the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled
and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I
don't know why he didn't say love you too. When we
got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted
nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched
T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go
to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my
surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I
still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere
else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I
decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen
asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
HIS DIARY
Played AWFUL today! Shot a 98.
Got laid though
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made
plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with
my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at the
fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept
quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said
nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On
the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled
and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I
don't know why he didn't say love you too. When we
got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted
nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched
T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go
to bed, about 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my
surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I
still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere
else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I
decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen
asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
HIS DIARY
Played AWFUL today! Shot a 98.
Got laid though
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