Separating

[brew45]

A few days ago my wife tells me she's unhappy and wants to separate for awhile. Trouble is, she is wanting to make it more like a long separation, a year... We just signed a lease for a new car 8 weeks ago and I've been told I should try and get my name removed from the lease. Is this possible?

 

[pute62]

You should take possession of the car. Long separation = I want time to find someone better while you pay my bills.

 

[brew45]

We've already split our bills up; cell phones, credit cards, she's moving out and getting an apartment so I'm taking over the mortgage payments.

 

[1911ly]

You need to file for a legal separation. And do it soon! Regardless of how amicable things may be or seem. I can tell you from experience. Talk to the financial institution you have the lease with. And I would also consult a divorce attorney. It's COA time (cover your a$$) It's easier to undo later when COA now.

 

[rgrimm01]

I am sorry that you are going through this. Separations are a slow end, but an end nonetheless.

As well as seeking the guidance of an attorney, keep a journal. You will not remember dates and amounts when it becomes advantageous to do so.

 

[Hookeye]

Like 1911ly said, it's CYA time.

Too bad IN is a no fault state



Add: I agree, keep a journal.......................at worst it at least keeps chronological order, and that's some type of order......................in this type of mess.

Also...................if your vows were such that a covenant was made, honor it.

You can CYA, take the high road and honor your covenant.

Odd things women, very easily influenced by others of misery.

 

[24Carat]

Odd things women, very easily influenced by others of misery.

Translation: There is a miserable girlfriend or family member that is greasing the wheels from the shadows.

 

[hoosierdoc]

Translation: There is a miserable girlfriend or family member that is greasing the wheels from the shadows.

Yep, she's getting horrible advice.

Start attending marriage counseling, even if by yourself. Sorry you're in this situation. Curiously... what if you just said "no" and that you weren't going to participate in the separation?

A few days ago my wife tells me she's unhappy and wants to separate for awhile.

We've already split our bills up; cell phones, credit cards, she's moving out and getting an apartment so I'm taking over the mortgage payments.

A few days ago she wants to separate for a while but you've already done all the other stuff already? I'd say no, but you're willing to attend three times a week marriage counseling with her and work through these differences. Love is a choice, and she's choosing not to. If she wants to bail, you can't stop her. But this setup isn't going to lead to any sort of reconciliation.

Tell her if she leaves you are getting an apartment too and the house is going on the market tomorrow. You will not be responsible for that.

 

[sig-guy]

You need to file for a legal separation. And do it soon! Regardless of how amicable things may be or seem. I can tell you from experience. Talk to the financial institution you have the lease with. And I would also consult a divorce attorney. It's COA time (cover your a$$) It's easier to undo later when COA now.

Sorry to hear about the situation.

Definitely follow this members advice. You do nothing and anything she buys now is also your responsibility, file and it now becomes her responsibility (anything after the file date).

Sorry to say, that getting things back to normal (like they used to be) isn't something which is likely to take place. Cover your butt as much as you can, while you still have the opportunity.

And always remember, things WILL get better with or without her. Given enough time, they always do. Good Luck!

 

[Harleyrider_50]

We've already split our bills up; cell phones, credit cards, she's moving out and getting an apartment so I'm taking over the mortgage payments.

Git'cha a lawdawg, soon's ya can.......been here 3 times.......
You'll need the lawdawg ta file all'a legal stuff......if you stay'n in the residence, an' make'n all'a pmts, ins, all'at shizz.......ya NEED a order state'n YOU.....got temporary custody o' the house an' property(till it all final/settle'd...)......otherwise, she can come back an' rape the place when ya ain' around, or while you work'n ('long with other things.....)......this's x'perience talk'n to ya, here......

Take the advice from 'is thread.......it all spot-on......

An' 'at order.........it'a cover whut's inside,contents, an' on property at the time as well.....

 

[churchmouse]

Separation sucks and is most often a waste of valuable time in a life limited by time.....waste none of it on a loosing situation. Let her move on and get this over with.
I have 2 "X" wives. I tried both times to make things right and honor my vows.....waste of time. When a woman wants to go....let her.
If she does not want to be with you, move on.

 

[Snapdragon]

Separation sucks and is most often a waste of valuable time in a life limited by time.....waste none of it on a loosing situation. Let her move on and get this over with.
I have 2 "X" wives. I tried both times to make things right and honor my vows.....waste of time. When a woman wants to go....let her.
If she does not want to be with you, move on.

The financial advice is spot-on, but this is what it really boils down to. IMO, if a couple is considering separation, it's already over.

 

[Steve B]

Sorry to hear about your troubles. IMHO, If she's not willing to stick around and work on it I would simply file for a divorce.

 

[r3126]

From the discussion, I take it that there are no children involved. If that is the case, my recommendation follows that of others. She has found or is finding a new individual that she believes will be a better situation for her - whether it be money, security, life style or sex. She just wants you in a holding pattern should her new situation not work out the way she thinks it will. My recommendation is for you to file for divorce (unless she has a court ordered separation in force). Stipulate that the house be sold (if you are in an ownership situation) and profits split evenly (if there is to be a profit); retain your IRA/retirement and allow her to do the same; split outstanding bills; and if there is a significant difference in income, establish minimal short term alimony. If there are children involved, that's a whole new ball game to discuss. Face the fact - she is gone.... If she comes back, do you think that things will get better? Wrong! She will just have you by the "short hairs" and will pull the same stunt the next time the situation looks good to her. Just my .02!

 

[Mr Evilwrench]

She says "separate" but means "divorce". Get everything untied from her as soon as possible, and get away from her entirely. Hate to see it and say it, but it's over. There's probably already a lawyer involved, but even if there isn't you're going to need one yourself.

 

[spec4]

Separation sucks and is most often a waste of valuable time in a life limited by time.....waste none of it on a loosing situation. Let her move on and get this over with.
I have 2 "X" wives. I tried both times to make things right and honor my vows.....waste of time. When a woman wants to go....let her.
If she does not want to be with you, move on.

Great post and good advice. Get a lawyer, file for divorce and get it behind you ASAP.

 

[churchmouse]

I truly do hate to hear anyone going through this as it puts a dark cloud over your life. That cloud can linger slowing down any hope you may have of being happy.
(1)...let her go.
(2) get a lawyer right away and follow his advice to the "LETTER"
(3) not following said advice can and will cost you in the long run.
(4) Not a darned thing wrong with seeking counseling. Do it for yourself.

Put this behind you as rapidly as you can. I have lost property, a business and the love of my children in my life. There is still a huge hole after all these years. I pray you get through this with as little hurt as possible.

 

[mom45]

Divorce is a horrible, nasty thing. I have gone through it once and the others are spot on with the above advice. I'm looking at this from the female perspective, and would have to agree with the others about filing now. What is the point of waiting a year or more and having your life in a holding pattern? Has she proposed going to counseling? If not, I would also recommend going, with or without her. If she will go with you and be honest in the sessions, you may gain some insight as to what her reasons are for the separation and whether or not here is another party involved in her life already. If she is not willing to go, then what is the point of the separation? If she isn't willing to attend counseling, what makes you think she will return to the relationship after signing a lease on an apartment and establishing a separate life on her own?

You need to protect yourself...financially and emotionally. Long-term separation is likely to end up in a divorce anyway so why drag it out?

If you want to keep the house and can afford to buy out her equity, then do so. If not, as the others have said...put it on the market and sell it and move on. When I divorced, our house was sold and the profits split.

I am sorry you are in this situation, but as the others have said. Life is too short and you deserve to be happy.

In addition to the journal, I would save receipts on house repairs and anything that you pay for on her behalf or that would result in her getting a bigger settlement in the event his ends in divorce. Call a lawyer.

 

[CindyE]

It is possible to live separate and still want to be married. Sometimes a situation becomes unbearable, and the person you love just drains you emotionally and physically, especially if they are in denial about their problems or just aren't working on them. Not saying that person is you or her, just speaking from experience. Protect yourself financially, but if you want this marriage, it may not be over. I would go with individual counseling for both over couples counseling.

 

[88GT]

Divorce is a horrible, nasty thing. I have gone through it once and the others are spot on with the above advice. I'm looking at this from the female perspective, and would have to agree with the others about filing now. What is the point of waiting a year or more and having your life in a holding pattern? Has she proposed going to counseling? If not, I would also recommend going, with or without her. If she will go with you and be honest in the sessions, you may gain some insight as to what her reasons are for the separation and whether or not here is another party involved in her life already. If she is not willing to go, then what is the point of the separation? If she isn't willing to attend counseling, what makes you think she will return to the relationship after signing a lease on an apartment and establishing a separate life on her own?

You need to protect yourself...financially and emotionally. Long-term separation is likely to end up in a divorce anyway so why drag it out?

If you want to keep the house and can afford to buy out her equity, then do so. If not, as the others have said...put it on the market and sell it and move on. When I divorced, our house was sold and the profits split.

I am sorry you are in this situation, but as the others have said. Life is too short and you deserve to be happy.

In addition to the journal, I would save receipts on house repairs and anything that you pay for on her behalf or that would result in her getting a bigger settlement in the event his ends in divorce. Call a lawyer.

There are reasons.