Separating

[tv1217]

Women have turned me into a bit of a sexist, so I should probably stay away from this one lol.

 

[gungirl65]

My divorce has been in the making for the past 5+ years. I hope it will be final sometime this year...... But anyway, in the beginning I tried to shelter my son from the sad reality of the inevitable divorce. After all, he loves us both.

Other than his dad's occasional hissy fits and tantrums there were no real outward signs of marital trouble. Usually he yelled at me when our son wasn't home. One day he forgot he was there and got loud and sh*tty with me. That was the beginning of the end. My son heard the argument and saw what it did to my spirit. On that day when my son asked about it, I confided in him that if his dad didn't change the marriage was over. From that day forward I no longer had to pretend everything was all right.

Luckily my son has had some really great teachers over the years. One such teacher had told the class that if mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy. My son bought into this line of thinking and agreed mama deserves to be happy.

My son will be 19 in a few days. He lives with me and is adjusting well with the divorce. He and I have actual meals together now and can do things together without fear of his dad coming home and harassing me.

In a couple months it would have been 23 years for us. We talked divorce back in 1999. Then I still loved him, I just hated his attitude and the way he was behaving. Things were still mostly amicable between us. His behavior changed and we stayed together.

This time he has made me hate him like I have hated no one before him. I hate everything about him and can't stand to be in the same room as him. This time there is no going back and saving anything. All I care about is saving my soul and getting completely away from his toxic behavior.

Watching my mom fade away to Alzheimer's has made me realize that life is too short to spend with someone who enjoys sucking the life out of me and the joy out of life in general. I have accepted that I can't save him or anyone else who doesn't want to be saved. I no longer care if he drowns. That is his choice to make. I'm just going to swim away and start my new and happy life without the drama. Sometimes in life, saving ourselves is all we can do.

 

[Spanky46151]

Just remember, the woman you're about to divorce is not the same woman you married. I have several friends who tried to "play nice" and lost everything (or at least most of it). Protect yourself.

 

[gungirl65]

Just remember, the woman you're about to divorce is not the same woman you married. I have several friends who tried to "play nice" and lost everything (or at least most of it). Protect yourself.

He's right. Verbal agreements change. Get it all in writing. Definitely protect yourself all steps along the way.

Since she's the one who wants to leave why can't you keep the kids?

 

[Bounty Hunter]

Without knowing the specifics of the OP's situation, I can say that once a relationship is over, it's usually over. I fought long and hard to keep and maintain my relationship, but in the end when he decided he was done there really wasn't anything I could do. Protecting oneself is the next step. He ended up costing me plenty in shared expenses including medical bills after he had a car accident. Apparently in Indiana under some circumstances, a spouse can be liable for another spouse's medical bills even though we were in the process of divorce.

When I got divorced, my Ex was not real stable. She had lost her Father and was not dealing well with it. The Attorney was a friend and he told me at the time that if she snaps, I could be responsible for her care if needed. I am not sure if that was true, but did not want wrapped up in that situation.

Sorry for your problems, but it sounds like you need to move on, and "CYA" the best you can. Try to get out debt free if possible. Mine wanted to live in the house and wanted nothing else. I ended up signing a quit claim deed, and put in the divorce papers that if she did not re finance and put house in her own name within the year, it would be sold and we would split the profit. Things can seem tolerable one minute and go real bad the next. Sounds like the decision has been made. Best to file now and get out quick. If she wants you back you can always go back, but I would focus on how to get your life on track.

 

[remauto1187]

When she leaves the house. CHANGE THE LOCKS! File for legal separation with the help of a divorce lawyer. Your soon to be X is setting you up! Either to see how long she can string you along because she believes she found something better and/or she is coming to take your shi^ while you are at work, etc! Move all your guns, high dollar tools, etc out of the home until the locks are changed and you have a legal separation! Rent a uhaul storage unit or take to another family members' home for safekeeping!

After the seperation is legal. Then is the time to sleep with the soon to be x's hot sister or best friend(s). You know there is one that you've noticed! Nothing like getting even! Dont be suprised if she is doing someone you know, possibly a friend of yours or hers.

I walked away from my x in 2007 after almost 13yrs of marriage...I should have done it alot sooner than that. I regret waiting to get out. Never again will I make the mistake of waiting to cut and run. Too many great women out there to be stuck with a evil wench!

I was under the illusion that stuff would get better and she would stop being nuttier than squirrel shi^! Didnt happen, best $1500 i ever spent...was to get rid of her.

 

[1911ly]

I should clarify, there was a time span of about 5 days between the "news" and my question on here. I'm surprised to see this many have responded to this. I've consulted an attorney but have not retained him yet, and yes the guns are out of the house. She's agreed to counseling separately at first with the possibility of joint sessions later. I'm not down with the whole year long separation thing she is thinking of, IMO it's a waste of my time. I'll file for divorce before waiting a year to see if she still "has feelings" for me. What really grinds my gears is that we have two small kids (6 and 3) and they will be the ones to ultimately suffer, not me or her. But she doesn't seem to be thinking of them and is acting selfishly. I don't want to get into too much here because of potential repercussions, but I do love her and don't want to see this happen. Not much I can do I suppose.

Make sure you can stay a part of your kids life's. Mine were 3-1/2 and 1-1/2. She thought that she birthed them, she owned them. I made the mistake of not being more forceful with my parental rights. She moved to Florida and shut me out of there life's. I hope things work out well know matter what. The better things go the easier the kids will take it. No mommy did this, or daddy did that kind of crap in front of your kids! You have as many rights as she does. Use them wisely!

I wish you the best of luck, No matter what happens be there for your kids!

 

[churchmouse]

I should clarify, there was a time span of about 5 days between the "news" and my question on here. I'm surprised to see this many have responded to this. I've consulted an attorney but have not retained him yet, and yes the guns are out of the house. She's agreed to counseling separately at first with the possibility of joint sessions later. I'm not down with the whole year long separation thing she is thinking of, IMO it's a waste of my time. I'll file for divorce before waiting a year to see if she still "has feelings" for me. What really grinds my gears is that we have two small kids (6 and 3) and they will be the ones to ultimately suffer, not me or her. But she doesn't seem to be thinking of them and is acting selfishly. I don't want to get into too much here because of potential repercussions, but I do love her and don't want to see this happen. Not much I can do I suppose.

The kids change everything. I totally understand. I lost mine for several years due to them being used as leverage over me. It is not their fault but they will see it that way if things are not handled properly.
If she is already using them then get ready as this will become the norm from my experience.
Keep them in your heart and deal with them gently. It is so easy for emotions to come out during these times. Be the rock for them.
Nothing we say or suggest will make any of this easier for you and your children. Just protect yourself and be there for those baby's. They are all that matters.

 

[Hawkeye]

All the guy asked for was financial advice. I hope he has someone else to ask because reading all this crap will likely do him no good.
It is easier to deal with children then some of the "adults" on here. ugh.....

Well, the financial advice is probably pretty easy and its been given. If either of them qualified for the lease on their own income, Then they can probably get the other party off the lease;however, as already stated, its likely to be going back to the institution and requalifying.

My own extraneous thought is that OP's spouse has likely found some one else she's "interested" in and is either already involved with or is seeking the separation to "play around' with him. Maybe she just wants to "live on her own in her won place" for a year, but I wouldn;t expect that to last long. If I were teh OP, I'd be moving forward with that in mind...

 

[mom45]

Kids definitely complicate things, but if things honestly cannot be worked out with counseling, etc., kids can be successful when raised in a divorced family. They are pretty resilient and can be affected just as much by a stressful relationship in the home as they can by parents who have divorced.

The most important advice I can offer there is that if you do end up divorced (or even during the separation), stay involved in your kids' lives and school activities, etc. My ex did not (by his choice) and the kids felt abandoned by him. I never told him he could not be a part of their lives, but he chose not to. It was his loss as he missed out on seeing them grow up to become who they are today.

 

[Trooper]

There is no greater hate than love gone bad.

For all those anti war types who talk about peace, until we can have peace between husband and wife, or between siblings, there will never be world peace. Just too many drama queens in the world.

 

[Mr Evilwrench]

I never wanted my son to think badly of his mother, but last night I told him some things he deserved to know. It was hard for me to relive it, but I had to do it for his sake. He wound up hugging me. I'm gonna have some tears now, don't mind me.

 

[shibumiseeker]

I never wanted my son to think badly of his mother, but last night I told him some things he deserved to know. It was hard for me to relive it, but I had to do it for his sake. He wound up hugging me. I'm gonna have some tears now, don't mind me.

It's one thing to let him know. But now that he does know, don't keep bringing it up to him. If HE asks, be frank and open, but don't bring him into your emotional space about it all of the time.

 

[Hookeye]

Sherwood Schwartz is the anti Christ.......................that blended family BS has destroyed the soul of many a man.

 

[CHCRandy]

Has anyone on here ever been married once......besides me? My wife and I married at 18 and 16....been together for 27 years. I can't imagine life without her! We did it old school......

I sometimes think modern families are doomed for failure. Mom and Dad both work like dogs....to give kids $ and future, reality is the kids would rather have mom and dad, not the money.

OP, Wishing you the best. Try to make it work.

 

[CindyE]

Sherwood Schwartz is the anti Christ.......................that blended family BS has destroyed the soul of many a man.

I had to google this to find out what you meant! I am pretty jaded when it comes to any type of marriage or family lately! If I am ever single, I have no plans whatsoever to marry again, and I'd run like hell from being a stepparent again! My H and I are pretty much on the same page now when it comes to the kids, but it took a lot of very tough, emotional work, and definitely took a toll on me.

 

[Baditude]

I will tell you one thing for sure since I am in the middle of a divorce myself: In Indiana the law is biased towards the woman.

 

[1911ly]

I will tell you one thing for sure since I am in the middle of a divorce myself: In Indiana the law is biased towards the woman.

the divorce

It's not nearly as bad as it was 20 years go. It still needs to be more equal. The biggest factor in how the kids ultimately handle divorce will be how they see the parents handle it. I have been married twice. First was a mistake in every way. I had a relationship between my first and last marriage. We had a daughter together. Sadly the relationship did not work out but we remained friends and friendly towards each other. She has made sure I could have a active roll in my daughters life. Calling me on all major decisions. We found solutions to all problems "together" I still look at her as a friend. As the mother of our child and not a "ex" anything. I had a understanding with my wife about my relationship with my daughters mom (I have never called her an ex). Things worked out great.

When my wife was sick with cancer my daughters mom was really helpful. After my wife passed away she was there to help with my son while I dealt with my own long term health issues. She got cancer as well. I have since helped her all I can. My daughter has now turned 18. Her mom is still my friend. I still give her money to help her pay bills. Till she gets on her feet I will. My daughter knows their is love in our family. She knows no different.

Your family doesn't end with a divorce. It just resets, regroups and starts over. If you are lucky you'll get a second chance. With your kids, maybe another relationship. Maybe even with your Ex. What ever happens don't put kids in the middle!! No good will come from it. This advice come from an old fool who as been there and done that.

 

[Mr Evilwrench]

It was hard enough to tell him what I did voluntarily. He's an adult now, though, and deserves to know. Don't worry about me coughing up any more without some serious convincing. The divorce was serious stuff, and I didn't enter into it lightly. It was totally against my nature, and still is. When I make a promise I'll keep it. Splitting up went against my promise. I don't figure to do it again.

 

[fullauto 45]

Sorry to hear your situation. I can tell you from experience, get out ASAP. You may not want to hear this, but it will not work out. My first and I got together back and forth for a couple years. It was F#CKING miserable. Move on, your young. You will move up. And don't get into a rebound relationship. Move on fast and like I did, always trade up for better.