Military BS Stories or the last liar wins.

[actaeon277]

In my previous story, I described the AMR2UL head (in the navy, bathrooms are called "heads" a little.
If you put your hands on your hips, your elbows would smack into the walls.
There was a shower head, for decontamination. But you'd have to straddle the toilet, or maybe stand JUST in front of it.

Anyway, almost any system onboard uses multiple valves. Redundancy is the name of the game.
Anyway..

One of the things bored people do is come up with ways to mess with each other.

So, the AMR2UL head had isolation valves for the shower head located in the head, like a normal bathroom, AND valves outside the head, in the machinery room.
So, we'd shut the valves off in the machinery room, then reach into the head and shut off the valves.
Then, wait.
When someone went into the head, we'd give them a bit of time in order to pull down their coveralls and sit.
Then, we'd open the valves for a couple seconds, shut them, and RUN.

 

[2tonic]

Since we have so many latrine stories, I'll add another.
This is not my personal experience, but that of my Father's, as he related it to me.
He was a Technical Sergeant in the Signal Corps, 36th Infantry Division in WWII, from '42 to '45.
Fought his way across North Africa, then the landings in Sicily and Italy, survived the Rapido River disaster and Monte Cassino, liberated Rome, then made another landing in Southern France, and ended up in Bavaria at war's conclusion.
This story is about the troopship aboard which they were ferried to Africa.
I don't know if it was a de facto "liberty" ship, but it was made for carrying troops, so the messes (excuse me....galleys) berths, and heads were made to service many times the normal crew number.
The heads they were instructed to use were separated, in that one room was sinks and a urinal trough on opposite walls. The other area was for "major transactions", and was laid out as follows:
From the companionway, you stepped thru the hatch to find yourself at midpoint in a room approximately 30' by 24'. To your left and right was a metal box, about 18 inches high (or however high a toilet normally is) and 24 inches deep, that ran along the wall for 15', then turned 90° and ran the 24 feet to outer hull of the ship. Each of these boxes (covered troughs might be a better descriptor) had dozens of metal toilet seats atop simple open holes (think outhouse style).
The TP rested on a small shelf between your legs, and you sat, literally, cheek to cheek with your fellow soldiers.
A strong stream of water was constantly pumping into the boxes, starting on each side of the hatchway, and flowed around the room and exited thru the hull, and out into the ocean, carrying everything with it (war is hell, damn the pollution). You can probably see where this is going.
The nervous young servicemen were unendingly amused by the antic of waiting for peak usage times, then as soon as the hole nearest either side of the hatch opened up, lighting a balled up sheet of newspaper on fire, and dropping it down the hole and into the stream, where it would float and be carried under the exposed backsides of all the occupants on that side of the room, on it's way out the side of the ship. Obviously, each sitter, in turn, would rapidly stand and shout, as it passed underneath them, like some ersatz Can-Can dance.
He said the most surprising thing was that the guys at the far end would never preemptively stand, when they could see what was coming their way. Rather, they just accepted their role as part of the dance line, for the entertainment of their buddies.

 

[actaeon277]

shark watch...
been there
done that

 

[Epicenity]

Operation Desert Storm. The deadline for Saddam's troops to pull out of Kuwait had come, and gone.

That night, none of the lights illuminating the makeshift airfield in the literal middle of nowhere Saudi Arabia, were on. Only starlight and dick-jokes broke the darkness. Being part of the great mass of uninformed, un-briefed, low ranking, enlisted personnel, this was our first indication that the ball, as they say, was about to drop.

2 by 2, a heavily beweaponed assortment of state of the art coalition jets leapt off the runway, blue after-burner cones adding a dash of flair and panache. This went on like clock work for a great deal of time. Navigation lights are for the other guys benefit, accordingly the switches that activated them were left in the OFF position.

In due course, the launches stopped. The all encompassing rumble of hundreds of jets serenaded our alert ears with an aria of doom, composed specially for a certain Iraqi dictator. Our eyes were cheated however as the aforementioned nav-lights were off and the moonless night made certain no glints appeared off the highly polished canopies. As suddenly as it started, the rumble suddenly faded away to the north

Silence. Dead, tension filled silence covered filled every corner of the base. After some unremembered amount of time, the speculations and nervous chatter broke the eerie calm. It was on, this was the big show. Shortly after we got back to work, the many loud speakers around the base, previously having been used to remind people not to litter, brush your teeth, don't get herpe's etc. erupted in the full, piercing, unmistakable, this is not a f*&^% drill, RED ALERT. That meant, incoming. Scud missiles, anthrax, chemical weapons, the works.

A mad scramble ensued as the chem warfare suits, gas masks, rubber gloves and rubber boots went on in record time. I'd say maybe 3 or 4 milli-seconds, like eye-blink fast. Everyone on the shop then ran Olympic 100m dash fast to the sandbag walled bunkers we'd worked so hard to fill. After we'd settled in, an ancient Vietnam vet ( you know, like 42, 43 years old) joked that you don't hear the one that hits you. As if choreographed, right on cue somebody took a flash photograph. A brilliant flash no sound, just like the one that gets you...a minor panic ensued followed by relieved laughter.

Not long after, the "all clear" was sounded and we went back to work. About that time the first of the pilots started to return from their laser guided, ass whooping festival. Full of adrenaline, and in a damn hurry to get back for a turn and burn, he came over the base faster than Mach one. That, my friends is what makes a sonic boom. We in our aluminum work building had no idea that that was the cause of the loud boom that rattled our shelter. We quickly and keenly realized however, that we weren't dead and were generally grateful that one hadn't gotten us, but it ramped up the tension yet another notch. We were at war!

The next bit of doom to befall us came in the form loud pops coming apparently, from just outside our perimeter. Snipers! The MPs reacted swiftly and bravely. Their Humvees took them quickly(well, as fast as Humvees could) to the action. The pop-pop-pop-pop-pop.........boom-boom-boom-boom-boom of an automatic grenade launcher was accompanied in three part harmony by top mounted M-60 machine guns giving generous bursts going bdtdtdtdtdtdtd----bdtdtdtdtdtdtdtdt---bdtdtdtdtdtd. The explosions, tracers and muzzle flashes were an impressive accompaniment. Surely the vicious invaders didn't couldn't have survived that! Having again cheated death, back to work we went. Quickly settling into our new roles as hardened combat troops.

The morning light revealed the devastation wrought by the impressive assault of our valiant MPs. Expecting blood, gore, disembodied, parts, ruined AK-47s etc, we burst into laughter as it was revealed that our invading army was a malfunctioning loud-speaker that was shorting out and popping loudly in the night. The speakers, the pole, electrical box at the base....all blown to complete hell by the enthusiastic blasting of our MPs! And that is the extent of my military combat experience....

 

[Nazgul]

shark watch...
been there
done that

Yep. Used my issued M14.

Don

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

 

[KellyinAvon]

If you've heard this before don't stop me. I want to hear it again

1994: young USAF SSgt KellyinAvon is the Assistant NCOIC of Equipment Management at McConnell AFB, Kansas. The base is converting from being a Bomber Wing with B-1's and one squadron of Tankers to being a KC-135 Tanker Wing with four squadrons of Tankers.

To go from one squadron (12 KC-135 R-Model Refueling Aircraft) to four squadrons of KC-135s (not all being R-Models, we were getting Q-Models that had the older engines. These were being upgraded at the Boeing plant across the flight line.)

Needless to say, a whole lot of equipment was being shipped into McConnell AFB. One morning I notice a tractor-trailer in the parking lot near the loading dock. I go out and climb up on the trailer to get the paperwork, since I was who processed the equipment into the equipment accounts.

While I'm up on the trailer the Receiving supervisor comes out, and the driver gets out of the truck.

I grab the paperwork, the Receiving supervisor tells the driver that Receiving will unload it, but can't until Transportation comes in and tells them it's going to be unloaded at our dock, not at the Transportation dock.

The look on the driver's face was priceless: This is why I pay so damn much in taxes.

 

[Nazgul]

For Act ,after his detailed description of flushing a head on a sub...


Don

 

[actaeon277]

For Act ,after his detailed description of flushing a head on a sub...
View attachment 188828

Don

The atmo on a sub, is just recycled farts.
Think about it.

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

When you spend so much time on watch, you dream you are on watch

​

 

[Nazgul]

The atmo on a sub, is just recycled farts.
Think about it.

It was bad enough in the bowels on a carrier! Especially during general quarters when the air was shut of.....

Don

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

It was bad enough in the bowels on a carrier! Especially during general quarters when the air was shut of.....

Don

Nuke power plants use steam turbines.

Try being in engineering when the A/C plant goes down.
We were limited to 2 hour watches.
Then the nukes would go to the torpedo room to cool off, since it was the coolest space. It was over 100 in the torpedo room.

 

[actaeon277]

The heat was so bad, we almost had to make an emergency stop in Charleston.

 

[actaeon277]

When you spend so much time on watch, you dream you are on watch

View attachment 188881​

We ran so many drills one underway, that I woke up and ran aft to engineering, putting clothes and shoes on as I ran.


Jokes on me.
I dreamed the drill.

 

[actaeon277]

It was either Basic Electricity/Electronics school (Bee double E) or during ET(A) school.

I was in the barracks, getting ready for an inspection.
Guys used to buy floor wax in the store, trying to get something that worked better than Navy Wax.
And if they were asked where they got it, they were always told to say, "Navy Wax from out of the Gear Locker Sir!"

So, I'm running out of time, no car, stores starting to close.
So, I cleaned/scrubbed the floor, then applied Furniture Polish.

WOW! was it shiny.
And a bit slippery.
Okay, quite a bit slippery.

So, the inspector and followers walked in, and the inspector slipped, and caught himself before crashing.
So he walked up to me and my roommate, and said, "Where did you get the wax sailor?"
And I promptly responed, "Navy Wax from out of the gear locker SIR!"

Well, he stared at me, waiting for the truth.
And I just stared straight ahead.

Eventually, he replied, "Very Well. But you might want to strip it down and try it again".


Well, we could put someone in a chair (without wheels) and sling them across the floor.
It was "fun".
Till I walked in, in my shower shoes, wet, and promptly cracked my head into the ground.

That night, stripped off the wax and applied Navy Wax.

 

[actaeon277]