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other dave
Shooter
HOW DO COURT REPORTERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES ?
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient
have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient
have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
halfmileharry
Grandmaster
other dave
Shooter
Probably belongs in General Political Discussion.
Remember when O. J. was acquitted, and all the white people protested, rioted, looted, and raised h*ll all over the country and the Attorney General, the Dept. of Justice, and the President decided to get involved?
. . . me neither.
Remember when O. J. was acquitted, and all the white people protested, rioted, looted, and raised h*ll all over the country and the Attorney General, the Dept. of Justice, and the President decided to get involved?
. . . me neither.
Bradsknives
Master
PHONE REPAIR
Lawrence, Kansas December 12, 2009
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know.
Lawrence, Kansas December 12, 2009
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know.
halfmileharry
Grandmaster
Bumper sticker...."Monica Lewinsky's EX Boyfriend's Wife for President"
halfmileharry
Grandmaster
You know you're having a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order on you.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of silence, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of silence, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
HavokCycle
Master
an otter takes his car to the shark mechanic. the shark says... "looks like you blew a seal"
the otter replies "just fix my damn car and leave my personal life out of it"
the otter replies "just fix my damn car and leave my personal life out of it"
HavokCycle
Master
an indian and a horseback cowboy cross paths one day. the indian says quietly 'nice horse'
the cowboy replies 'thanks, got her for my wife'
indian looks down a moment, then looks at the horse quickly 'good trade'
the cowboy replies 'thanks, got her for my wife'
indian looks down a moment, then looks at the horse quickly 'good trade'
CathyInBlue
Grandmaster
Not really joke, but I found it funny. Just heard on The Mighty Jingles's YouTube:
"There's no I in TEAM."
"No, but there are six in 'assinine platitude quoting idiot.'"
"There's no I in TEAM."
"No, but there are six in 'assinine platitude quoting idiot.'"
At the very least, this will result in disciplinary action being taken against me at some point in the future. Nothing makes me cringe quite like regurgitated corporate business cliches.
Hoosier Cowboy
Master
After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note to the new president.
So when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
...
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and
they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them,
and not one was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military,
counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
George Bush chuckled and replied---" you're holding it upside down"!
So when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
...
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and
they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them,
and not one was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military,
counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
George Bush chuckled and replied---" you're holding it upside down"!
We use vacuum units in our processes at work and they can be problematic. Vacuums suck when the work and when they don't.
halfmileharry
Grandmaster
Me behave? Seriously? As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies. The fault is not mine!
other dave
Shooter
Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C, an aide to Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over some of Pelosi's views.
Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Pelosi's aide promised, Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Pelosi was present.
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Congresswoman Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some; the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues.
Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both In Washington and in California . The woman is simply not to be trusted."
The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama, Pelosi is a saint."
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over some of Pelosi's views.
Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Pelosi's aide promised, Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Pelosi was present.
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Congresswoman Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some; the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues.
Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both In Washington and in California . The woman is simply not to be trusted."
The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama, Pelosi is a saint."
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