INGO: Joke of the day page

[Bigtanker]

THE HUSBAND STORE[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband... [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]On each floor the signs on the doors read: [/FONT]

Floor 1[FONT=&quot] - These men have jobs. [/FONT]

Floor 2[FONT=&quot] - These men have jobs and love kids. [/FONT]

Floor 3[FONT=&quot] - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:[/FONT]

Floor 4[FONT=&quot] - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: [/FONT]

Floor 5[FONT=&quot] - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: [/FONT]

Floor 6[FONT=&quot] - You are visitor 3,261,496,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. [/FONT]


THE WIFE STORE[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

Floor 1[FONT=&quot] - has wives that love sex. [/FONT]

Floor 2[FONT=&quot] - has wives that love sex and have money. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The third through sixth floors have never been visited.[/FONT]

 

[Bill of Rights]

Wait, what about the women who are married to other women? Are they impossible to please, or just impossible for men to please?



The wealthy, young, lesbian couple who live next door to me are both gorgeous and so kind and generous... My last birthday, they gave me a Tag Heuer!

In fairness, they may have misunderstood when they asked me what I wanted, and I said:

"I wanna watch."


Blessings,
Bill

THE HUSBAND STORE

[FONT=&amp]A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband... [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]On each floor the signs on the doors read: [/FONT]

Floor 1[FONT=&amp] - These men have jobs. [/FONT]

Floor 2[FONT=&amp] - These men have jobs and love kids. [/FONT]

Floor 3[FONT=&amp] - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:[/FONT]

Floor 4[FONT=&amp] - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: [/FONT]

Floor 5[FONT=&amp] - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: [/FONT]

Floor 6[FONT=&amp] - You are visitor 3,261,496,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. [/FONT]


THE WIFE STORE

Floor 1[FONT=&amp] - has wives that love sex. [/FONT]

Floor 2[FONT=&amp] - has wives that love sex and have money. [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]The third through sixth floors have never been visited.[/FONT]

 

[spencer rifle]

Wait, what about the women who are married to other women? Are they impossible to please, or just impossible for men to please?



The wealthy, young, lesbian couple who live next door to me are both gorgeous and so kind and generous... My last birthday, they gave me a Tag Heuer!

In fairness, they may have misunderstood when they asked me what I wanted, and I said:

"I wanna watch."


Blessings,
Bill

[video=youtube;EqL77G2x61E]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqL77G2x61E[/video]

 

[daddyusmaximus]

I just answered a call on my cell phone from a number I didn't recognize.


It turns out it was Robert Mueller's office.


According to them they have lost his credibility and are asking anybody and everybody if they know where it might be.

 

[ArcadiaGP]

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.





Almost all of them responded "How did you get in here?"

 

[actaeon277]

Almost all?

 

[daddyusmaximus]

I wonder how many mosquitoes are having to deal with meth addiction right now?

 

[daddyusmaximus]

 

[Cameramonkey]

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Apache, an Argentinean, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Cherokee, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Cree, a Croat, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dakota, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutch, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Englishman, an Equatoguinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadan, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, an Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kosovar, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Lakota, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monegasque, a Mongolian, a Montenegrin, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Myanmarese, a Namibian, a Navajo, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Ni-Vanuatu, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Sammarinese, a Samoan, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scot, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tadzhik, a Taiwanese, a Tanzanian, a Tobagonian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Turkmen, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, an Uruguayan, an Uzbek, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemeni, a Zambian, and a Zimbabwean walk into a swanky high class restaurant.


The maitre d’ apologizes, “Sorry guys, but I can’t let you in without a Thai.”

 

[jamil]

I hope you copy/pasted that.

 

[Cameramonkey]

I hope you copy/pasted that.

Wait, thats a thing? Boy are my fingers sore!

 

[daddyusmaximus]

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car
over.

Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".

"Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error.

"Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?
These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time"

"Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."

 

[Cameramonkey]

OBVIOUSLY drunk guy walks into the bar. He stumbles on his words and eventually says "I'll have a drink. And drinks for all. Including you, bartender."

Bartender pours the round and tells the guy "That'll be $320."

Drunk says "I dont have any money."

Bartender takes him out back and roughs him up, then goes back inside.

A few minutes later the drunk recovers and goes back in. He says to the bartender "Drinks for the house. EXCEPT YOU! You're mean when you drink!"

 

[actaeon277]

 

[Ballstater98]

 

[Cameramonkey]

Are you familiar with Murphy's Law?

If it can go wrong, it will.


Are you familiar with Moore's Law?

It states that computing power will double every 2 years due to improvements in transistor density.


Are you familiar with Cole's Law?























Its shredded cabbage.

 

[daddyusmaximus]

 

[Bigtanker]

WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA?
A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'

The Catholic type supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;

The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.

 

[Hoosierdood]

As a Baptist, I find this not only accurate, but also hilarious.

WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA?
A man walked into the ladies department and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.'
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple.'

The Catholic type supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;

The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.

 

[Cameramonkey]

On the subject of religion...






THE BAPTIST CHURCH DINNER!




A group of friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.


When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."


He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."


She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.


Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.


The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet's ear.


She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead."


Janet went into hysterics.
After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.


The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."


Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.


The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.


One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.


After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet, "You know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped."