INGO: Joke of the day page

[T.Lex]

I heard Stormy Daniels is going to Washington DC.

She's going to make a motion in Congress.

[Apologies to Bob Hope and Eddie Cantor who did the joke with Gypsy Rose Lee as the foil. I heard it last night and figured it could be easily updated.]

 

[ArcadiaGP]

 

[actaeon277]

and then gpia was "infracted".

 

[Cameramonkey]

and then gpia was "infracted".

Why? I just see a young lady trying to make a tall, thin vase!

 

[actaeon277]

Why? I just see a young lady trying to make a tall, thin vase!

Your halo is flickering.

 

[Cameramonkey]

Your halo is flickering.

Must be making contact with one of my horns... It flickers when that happens. I'll readjust.

 

[ArcadiaGP]

I thought that was the motion lex was referring to... pottery classes in Congress.

 

[T.Lex]

I thought that was a funny gif of a guy taking a picture of his balls.

 

[jamil]

I thought that was a funny gif of a guy taking a picture of his balls.

Well. Something funny needed to be said. And I ain’t judging. But it would seem unintentionally revealing to ignore the obvious thing going on in the picture just to go after that particular funny. But again, I ain’t judging. I mean, like, ain’t nothing wrong with it per se. Just saying.

 

[Ballstater98]

I remember 2018 like it was yesterday

 

[Bigtanker]

I can't remember yesterday!

 

[Nazgul]

The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia. The navigator had just finished working out a star fix and brought the master, Captain John Phillips, the result. The Warrimoo's position was latitude 0 degrees x 31 minutes north and longitude 179 degrees x 30 minutes west.The date was 30 December 1899. Know what this means? First Mate Payton broke in, we're only a few miles from the intersection of the Equator and the International Date Line.Captain Phillips was prankish enough to take full advantage of the opportunity for achieving the navigational freak of a lifetime. He called his navigators to the bridge to check and double check the ships position. He changed course slightly so as to bear directly on his mark. Then he adjusted the engine speed. The calm weather and clear night worked in his favour. At midnight the Warrimoo lay on the Equator at exactly the point where it crossed the International Date Line!The consequences of this bizarre position were many. The forward part of the ship was in the Southern Hemisphere and the middle of summer. The stern was in the Northern Hemisphere and in the middle of winter. The date in the aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899. Forward it was 1 January 1900.​

This ship was therefore not only in two different days, two different months, two different seasons and two different years but in two different centuries-all at the same time.​

 

[patience0830]

The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia. The navigator had just finished working out a star fix and brought the master, Captain John Phillips, the result. The Warrimoo's position was latitude 0 degrees x 31 minutes north and longitude 179 degrees x 30 minutes west.The date was 30 December 1899. Know what this means? First Mate Payton broke in, we're only a few miles from the intersection of the Equator and the International Date Line.Captain Phillips was prankish enough to take full advantage of the opportunity for achieving the navigational freak of a lifetime. He called his navigators to the bridge to check and double check the ships position. He changed course slightly so as to bear directly on his mark. Then he adjusted the engine speed. The calm weather and clear night worked in his favour. At midnight the Warrimoo lay on the Equator at exactly the point where it crossed the International Date Line!The consequences of this bizarre position were many. The forward part of the ship was in the Southern Hemisphere and the middle of summer. The stern was in the Northern Hemisphere and in the middle of winter. The date in the aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899. Forward it was 1 January 1900.​

This ship was therefore not only in two different days, two different months, two different seasons and two different years but in two different centuries-all at the same time.​

Time travel is REAL!

 

[daddyusmaximus]

AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

 

[Ballstater98]

What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?


Feyonce

 

[IndyDave1776]

 

[daddyusmaximus]

An American man, and his constantly nagging wife were on vacation in Israel when she suddenly got sick, and died.

He was told that being a Christian, he could have her buried right there in the holy land for $150. The alternative was to have her shipped back home to the States at a cost of $5,000 for burial at home. He informed them that he would have her shipped home. Confused, they asked him why spend so much, and that many Christians would love a burial in the holy land.

He replied, "You see, a long time ago, a man was killed over here, and buried. Three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

 

[chocktaw2]

An American man, and his constantly nagging wife were on vacation in Israel when she suddenly got sick, and died.

He was told that being a Christian, he could have her buried right there in the holy land for $150. The alternative was to have her shipped back home to the States at a cost of $5,000 for burial at home. He informed them that he would have her shipped home. Confused, they asked him why spend so much, and that many Christians would love a burial in the holy land.

He replied, "You see, a long time ago, a man was killed over here, and buried. Three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

You are so kicking my ass!

 

[daddyusmaximus]

So I'm watching this dog chasing it's tail,
and I think to myself that dogs are easily entertained.









Then I realize... I'm sitting there watching a dog chase it's damn tail.

 

[Sigblitz]

I couldn't change my INGO password to beef stew because it wasn't stroganoff.