I feel you. I honestly think you are a good person, but I don't you fully grasp the history of this particular "thing." That's why I asked, if Roseanne had called Jarrett, a "coon," would you have found that on an equal footing with "monkey/ape." I'm hoping that reference opens your eyes a bit.
Coon would be as confusing a term as any other....TO ME.... because I don't see why anyone would call a white chick a color racist slang. She looks white to me and that's why I completely didn't understand any of this. She doesn't look white to you? I did find that her parents are black? OK. Still, the term just doesn't work. To try to be racist to someone and to offend them, I would think that the names you call them should actually match the people somehow. Like someone calling me a color slang, I'd be like - What? Didn't work, try again.
Hey, I lived in SoCal for too long. I know racism. I fought against it all my life. L.A. and Orange County has it's fill of gangs. We had it growing up and it's still out there. Nothing new to me. And I have dated more girls of the rainbow that I can count. That's also one benefit of growing up in a cram packed overpopulated place. There's always some kind of party, somewhere, at anytime. And after hours, always end up at the beach bonfires. Oh Ya.
And no - I'm not a "race" detective. Not an expert in all the shades of color but do ask when I know someone or if the conversation comes up. Other than that, it just doesn't matter to me. My friend growing up were all different colors.