Nephew is moving in...Advice?

[Andy219]

My nephew was kicked out/left home due to some issues at home. Mainly his mom works alot of 16 hr days and wasn't able to keep close enough tabs on him. He just turned 18 and is a junior in high school, he was held back once in grammar school. Hes staying at a friends now, until this school year is done. Then his buddies parents said he's gotta find somewhere else.

I just left a message with the enrollment office at my high school, waiting for them to call me back. I'm kind of lost, not sure of the steps I gotta take. I laid down the rules for him, and he's agreed. I already told him what chores will be expected of him, him picking up a part-time job and not missing school. He knows I won't treat him like a kid.

He's asked me to guide him to meet his goals, I told him if he tells me what he wants to do with his life; once I start to help, failure isn't an option. He wants to join the finish high school, join the Gaurd and eventually become a cop. He's not a bad kid, he's actually a good kid. He just got lazy with his school work and around the house. Then he decided to talk back to his mom and that was her last straw.

He'll be moving in here next month. Any advice is appreciated, like I said he just turned 18, and with this last year of dismal school performance, I'm not sure how easy it's going to be to get him transferred. Any officers here on INGO want to chime in with what would be good steps for him to take so he'll start in the right direction to becoming a cop.

What about a possible GED, instead of high school... I dunno, just thinking outloud. I'm just trying to see all the options there are, to decide on a course of action. I want him to be a good, productive member of society. Thanks for hearing me out.

 

[E5RANGER375]

he is no where near being a cop. the military will be the best thing for him because he wont be able to use excuses to weasel his way out of things there. he will become a soldier or he will get thrown out. he obviously has a problem with authority and he thinks he wants to be a cop because he thinks thats what you and everyone else wants to hear. he is playing everyone and it sounds like he is getting away with it brilliantly. I think you should punch him in the mouth the first time he smarts off to you. he is 18 so he is a man and can take it right. lol

 

[Expat]

He will likely test you at first, that is natural. Don't make rules or threats that you won't enforce. Don't make rules just to make rules, make sure they have a legitimate purpose. Be supportive of him as much as you can. Imagine how you would feel after your mom has kicked you out of the house. I believe in escalating consequences. Start not too severe, but if keeps screwing up, make them stronger. Good luck.

 

[woowoo2]

Put trust in what he says.......
(Then verify that it is true.)

 

[Andy219]

Haha. He's never mouthed off to me, I don't think he would. I'm not sure about him lying about what he wants to be. His mom and other family members are always pushing him to go to college, and he would just sit there quiet. But would always talk to me about his "dreams". And hes been pretty consistent with me about military and being a cop. He's not a college type, I know I wasn't. But ever since he was 12 I never treated him like a kid, I always talked to him like an adult. When he's had issues or anything I always heard him out then we discussed it. And I have a pretty good track record of steering him in the right direction.

The reserves or Guard are a given, I've already put him in touch with a few recruiters. He actually has an appointment with an Army recruiter today. I know he'll need a diploma or GED to actually join. Right now I'm about 80% sure the military is in his future. Which I think is the best thing for him.

 

[singlestacksig]

treat him as an adult.. make a rental contract.. weekly or month by month.. require he keep grades above a certain level... require him to carry renters insurance, so you are not liable for his actions..

 

[E5RANGER375]

id have him go to basic this summer, then he can finish his senior year (or graduate midterm if he has the credits) and go to AIT after he has his diploma.

i hope it works out for you.

 

[Indy_Guy_77]

GED won't be all that well accepted for LEO / .mil these days unless there's at least an AA beyond that. Keep that in mind.

-J-

 

[clt46910]

A friend of mine, her grandson. He was dropped out of ROTC because he dropped out of high school his senior year. I believe it was the reserves that sent him to a program where he finished high school.

Some new program I think they started either this last year or a couple years ago. He did great there, got some kind of honor for being the most fit in his class.

 

[Plinker]

id have him go to basic this summer, then he can finish his senior year (or graduate midterm if he has the credits) and go to AIT after he has his diploma.

i hope it works out for you.

^This. Nothing like spending a summer in Benning to straighten up.

 

[Andy219]

He will likely test you at first, that is natural. Don't make rules or threats that you won't enforce. Don't make rules just to make rules, make sure they have a legitimate purpose. Be supportive of him as much as you can. Imagine how you would feel after your mom has kicked you out of the house. I believe in escalating consequences. Start not too severe, but if keeps screwing up, make them stronger. Good luck.

I'm sure he'll test me some, but he's spent a few weeks with me here and there. And he should have a pretty good idea on what I'll let slide and what I won't. He's seen me get pushed to far by another nephew and he don't want none of that, lol. I told him your starting off on a clean slate. I have total trust and confidence in him. I'm not laying down the law so to speak. But like you said there is a little, because I can imagine how he feels.

Cut the grass, shovel snow, keep the house clean, walk the dogs, go to school and do his own laundry. He gets a roof, central air, heat, bed, food, use of my car, guidance and satellite tv with all the channels in return. I told him I'll keep money in his lunch account at school. But if he wants spending money he needs to get a part time job.

It's all new to me, I hope I can balance the relationship the right way. I'll give him enough rope I hope, without giving enough to hang himself. It's going to be a balancing act.

 

[Andy219]

id have him go to basic this summer, then he can finish his senior year (or graduate midterm if he has the credits) and go to AIT after he has his diploma.

i hope it works out for you.

I like that idea. But he doesn't have enough credits to graduate next year without summer school. When I talk with the enrollment people at the school, maybe we can figure something out. I guess I don't have to much info until I talk to the school. I'm just a little antsy, I usually plan things before I take action, this feels like I'm just diving in head first with my eyes closed.

 

[goinggreyfast]

PM sent.

 

[woowoo2]

The reserves or Guard are a given,

Sailors have more fun......

 

[badwolf.usmc]

Get him to get his Diploma instead of a GED if he can. It can be a little tough getting in the military right now and while i don't know about the Army or Guard, the Marines require college credits with a GED.

Also, correct me if i'm wrong but to be a LEO he will need a college degree as well. That's what I've been told by several people.

 

[Viking Queen]

He's so very fortunate to have a caring Uncle like you to steer him in the right direction and give him a safe place to be. Bless you, it will all work out. You're doing all the right things.

Viking Queen

 

[ATOMonkey]

He's so very fortunate to have a caring Uncle like you to steer him in the right direction and give him a safe place to be. Bless you, it will all work out. You're doing all the right things.

Viking Queen

I agree with all the posts about legitimate rules and consequences. Also this ^ very much.

Let him know you care about him, show interest in him. Make sure he knows that his well being, happiness, etc is important to you.

Don't be hard on him, take him out to the movies, fishing, shooting, whatever.

You're not running a prison.

At this stage in life, most of the parenting is already done, unfortunately. This is the "learning from your experiences" stage in life. He's going to make LOTS of mistakes. You just need to be there to pick him up when he asks for help. Don't confuse that with enabling though. It's a fine line to walk.

Get him into something bigger than himself where he BELONGS and is helping others. Things like serving through church or charity are great ways to build a young person's compassion and self esteem. The best way to do this is to lead by example.

Likewise, the guard is also a great idea.

You are his HOME now. Home means a safe place, and a place where people want you.

Good luck! It's a very big responsiblity. Don't ever neglect to ask for help if you ever feel up against a wall. Also, since you're "dad" now, there are some things he isn't going to confide in you anymore, and that's ok. Just make sure there is another person in his life that he can talk to. It's going to suck, but that's just the way things go.

I really really hope things work out well for the both of you.

 

[ATOMonkey]

I like that idea. But he doesn't have enough credits to graduate next year without summer school. When I talk with the enrollment people at the school, maybe we can figure something out. I guess I don't have to much info until I talk to the school. I'm just a little antsy, I usually plan things before I take action, this feels like I'm just diving in head first with my eyes closed.

If you aren't already a dad, I say welcome to parenting. There isn't a one of us that didn't just dive in and hope for the best.

I'm sure the two of you will get it all worked out.

 

[geronimojoe85]

Make sure he stays away from "BongBunny."

Really there is nothing more I can add that hasn't already been said

Good luck.

 

[cbseniour]

I think you are already providing him the best program he could be on. If he can mature a bit under your guidance the join the military he will be on the way to becoming a good citizen and member of society.

+ 1 for your willingness to help.