Wedding frustration.

[trillobite]

I had no MIL....but my Mom was sure being uptight. Didn't want us married, and told my wife she wasn't babysitting ever....no problem here. I'm sure not going to force my Mom to visit. When she did start coming around, she'd fill my wife's ears about needing to get me motivated to do more around the house, get a better job, raising the kids better. My wife finally told me what was going on, and how much it aggravated her to keep quiet to keep the peace. I had no idea. Told my wife to let loose with both barrels, it's all my Mom understands.

We got married at my wife's church. Congregation helped out with everything, and no family was involved in planning, financing, or preparations. Only bad part was missing out on the Concannon's wedding cake because the photog wanted us.

 

[Westside]

Yes and she has always been if I don't like it I'm not doing it. So I may be footing the bill just so my future wife can have the wedding shes dreamed of. The problem is her mom is always emotional saying she can't live with herself if she disappoints her mother.

The bolded part is confusing.

Having been in your shoes just over a year ago. the best advice I can give you is to Take your soon be be Wife's side in all those arguments. Be calm and if you have to pay for it yourself, so be it.

Best line I ever heard about weddings.
Girls start planning their wedding at age 7, men start planning it the day after the purpose.

 

[jmiller676]

The bolded part is confusing.

Having been in your shoes just over a year ago. the best advice I can give you is to Take your soon be be Wife's side in all those arguments. Be calm and if you have to pay for it yourself, so be it.

Best line I ever heard about weddings.
Girls start planning their wedding at age 7, men start planning it the day after the purpose.

My finaces mom said that she ( my future MIL) can't live with herself if she (future MIL) disappoints her (future MIL) mother. Yeah...it's that screwed up.

 

[rimfire_crazed]

Hate to tell you, if they're paying for it, they get to make SOME decisions. The only way you can ensure that you get exactly what you want is to pay for it yourself.

We were able to reduce the scale and grandeur of things, but our wedding still cost over $25k for a 1:00 ceremony and a 3:00 afternoon reception with a buffet meal and bar package for less than 100 guests. It was a catholic wedding. I am an atheist and my wife wasn't practicing. That cost a LOT of money and a LOT of meetings with priests and catechists .

Good luck.

 

[Bapak2ja]

I just got married two months ago. If you have to pay to get it your way, that's what you should do. The borrower is slave to the lender. If you're getting married, you and your wife need to put each others needs above the rest. Politely introduce family to their boundaries. "We love you very much and appreciate your desire to help, however it's important to us to (have/do) (whatever) at our wedding so we'll take care of it our self."

Never be rude, mean, or pushy with your MIL, but always politely assert yourself, and illustrate her boundaries. If you're looking out for the best interests of your new family that's what matters. This is a situation that will only get worse. Pushy people rarely ever just decide to get less pushy, they don't see their wrong. Nip it now up front, but always be kind and loving.


Enjoy your wedding, have fun with your new wife, have fun with friends and family. It goes fast and two months later it's a blur. I look at the pictures and it seems like it was years ago, or even a dream, I barely remember it all.


Dave always reccomends this book - http://amzn.com/0310247454

Great advice. Wisdom here.

 

[Scutter01]

We were able to reduce the scale and grandeur of things, but our wedding still cost over $25k for a 1:00 ceremony and a 3:00 afternoon reception with a buffet meal and bar package for less than 100 guests.

That's insane. I'd rather write my daughter a check for $25k to put down on a house and then tell her to get married at the courthouse.

 

[rimfire_crazed]

That's insane.

The dress ate up $1500. The "donation" to the church was $1500. The organist was not included with the church - $500. The priest was not included in the price of the church - $500 donation. We also had to pay a church "hostess" to unlock and lock the church - $250 donation.

Adds up fast. Not a dime out of my pocket other than a new suit.

 

[ralphb72]

So I am gonna run away from someone who supports my gun ownership and hunting time, is tired of her mother telling her what to do, and is always there for me? .....

Yes

 

[Hop]

After party! Problem solved.

 

[Scutter01]

After party! Problem solved.

We passed out in the limo on the way to the hotel after our reception. There's no way we could have done an after-party. We were EXHAUSTED.

 

[sepe]

I like the idea of taking off for a vacation and coming back married. When you come back, you can let MIL plan a small reception and then have your own party with people that aren't going to stress you guys out after the small reception. Save the headaches and let MIL feel like she is doing something.

 

[hooky]

I just got married two months ago. If you have to pay to get it your way, that's what you should do. The borrower is slave to the lender. If you're getting married, you and your wife need to put each others needs above the rest. Politely introduce family to their boundaries. "We love you very much and appreciate your desire to help, however it's important to us to (have/do) (whatever) at our wedding so we'll take care of it our self."

Never be rude, mean, or pushy with your MIL, but always politely assert yourself, and illustrate her boundaries. If you're looking out for the best interests of your new family that's what matters. This is a situation that will only get worse. Pushy people rarely ever just decide to get less pushy, they don't see their wrong. Nip it now up front, but always be kind and loving.


Enjoy your wedding, have fun with your new wife, have fun with friends and family. It goes fast and two months later it's a blur. I look at the pictures and it seems like it was years ago, or even a dream, I barely remember it all.


Dave always reccomends this book - Amazon.com: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (9780310247456): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books

This is great advice.

 

[rimfire_crazed]

I like the idea of taking off for a vacation and coming back married. When you come back, you can let MIL plan a small reception and then have your own party with people that aren't going to stress you guys out after the small reception. Save the headaches and let MIL feel like she is doing something.

Yeah - that was my plan. Then we found out that my wife would be disowned and that her parents would spend every day of the rest of their lives praying for her eternal soul. Sometimes you have to embrace the crazy.

 

[littletommy]

My first wedding was big production, and I hated every second of it. My second (and last) me and her flew to Jamaica for a week and got married on the beach. Whole thing cost around 2 grand, and we had the time of our lives. It's about you and her, not mommy or daddy. They'll get over it, and if they don't, their loss.

 

[printcraft]

You are marrying the daughter not the MIL.

Give the daughter EVERYTHING she wants for her wedding........ screw up 1 thing and you will hear about it for the rest of your life.

Women are like elephants.

Let her handle the MIL. Back her whatever she decides. Be her friend and be on her side. It's just that easy.

 

[Scutter01]

Women are like elephants.

Fat, gray, and with a trunk full of elephant snot?

 

[Rookie]

Elope.

 

[Indy_Guy_77]

I've gotten a little bit of rep for my post...

Not that my "advice" isn't falling on deaf ears or anything; just my experience is all.

MY situation:

Breakdown of my wife's "family" -

Biological mother + 4 half-siblings - still close with
Biological father + 2 half siblings - doesn't care for him, close with siblings
Ex-step father + new wife (2 ex-step brothers, plus he's the father of a half-sister) + new wife's 3 kids
Ex-step mom + 2 half siblings (mentioned above) + new husband + grandfather (still considered very much a part of step-mom's family)

She's close with EVERYONE but her biological father.

She still considers all the ex-step siblings as "brothers & sisters"...no "ex" or step about it. She considers all her half siblings as "brothers & sisters"...no "ex" about it. Her ex-step father she considers to be "dad"...no "ex" about it. Ex-step mom she still very much considers as a mother-figure (even though only 17 years apart in age) plus she's the mother of a half sister and half brother.

And there are about a metric butt load (which is 110.23% more than a regular ton) of aunts, uncles, & cousins. Some even related by blood-ties.

Me... I'm an only child with rather small families on both my maternal & paternal side.

When it comes to just about ANYTHING to do with "her" side of the family... We discuss in private, but it's up to her to do the actual talking with 'em should it come to that.

And it's up to me to talk with my mom/step dad or my dad/his wife.

Just makes it easier. Especially for me considering I only have about a fifth the family that she does.

-J-

 

[printcraft]

Fat, gray, and with a trunk full of elephant snot?

Some....... yes...........

 

[PeaShooter]

Fat, gray, and with [STRIKE]a trunk full of elephant snot[/STRIKE] junk in their trunk?

FIFY