theweakerbrother
Grandmaster
Proof that the modern man has too much time on his hands, I decided to go boldly into the realm of uncharted territory for most bacon eaters...
At our local Target, they are doing a recent remodel of the food section. They put the majority of their foods on clearance. I found this culinary adventure for a few cents:
Francis Bacon used Scientific Method to prove and disprove theories. He is one of my heroes and surely consumed many fine products during his days.
Being the brave soul that I am, I decided to try my hand at a vegetarian version of our beloved soul food pork product. I opened the package and found the "bacon" to be on frozen mass. After taking a few moments of separating the "bacon" slices, I put the slices on what I thought was microwavable plate.
Two minutes and thirty seconds later, I learned that the smell of fake bacon and melting plastic wasn't pleasurable to my olfactory glands.
I had to throw away the semi-melted plate and try the experiment again. Note: The new plate/bowl is not any less feminine than the previous plate. This is for posterity's sake... or scientific method... or boredom.
Happy with my results on warming up my science experiment without the plate melting, I recorded the smells of the fake bacon. To describe is how I imagine foreign sentient aliens reconstructing a flavor that someone told them about but that they were unable to completely duplicate. Ever seen The Matrix? Remember the conversation about Malt-o-Meal and chicken? Yup, sort of like that. The fake bacon had hints of bacon smell but mostly smelled like chemicals. Note: This could have partially been the melted plate from test one.
If I had to caption this picture, it would be "IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE." This was taken before any real bite was taken out of the fake bacon subject.
Someone has to do it. Why not me?
Processing the results.
Hulk Smash!
Scientific conclusion:
People who do not eat bacon are attempting to make a product they know nothing about. If I can make a correlation to the field of theology, eating fake bacon borders on blasphemy. In the name of Science and in broadening my experiences at the prompting of my culture and peers, I put my taste buds on the line. They will not easily or soon forgive me. I just hope God does. I also hope he forgives people for making fake bacon.
End notes and recommendations: Do not attempt this test at home. Especially do not attempt this without having a "control" group as I forgot to do. Nothing could wash the mediocre chemical taste out of my mouth. Not beer, not chicken sandwiches, not leftover boiled easter eggs and certainly not more fake bacon. I had no real bacon on hand to fry in a delicious pan. No spatting pig-fat-in-a-pan to quench my desire for bacon. I did take a shower after the experiment but I still felt dirty.
END
At our local Target, they are doing a recent remodel of the food section. They put the majority of their foods on clearance. I found this culinary adventure for a few cents:
Francis Bacon used Scientific Method to prove and disprove theories. He is one of my heroes and surely consumed many fine products during his days.
Being the brave soul that I am, I decided to try my hand at a vegetarian version of our beloved soul food pork product. I opened the package and found the "bacon" to be on frozen mass. After taking a few moments of separating the "bacon" slices, I put the slices on what I thought was microwavable plate.
Two minutes and thirty seconds later, I learned that the smell of fake bacon and melting plastic wasn't pleasurable to my olfactory glands.
I had to throw away the semi-melted plate and try the experiment again. Note: The new plate/bowl is not any less feminine than the previous plate. This is for posterity's sake... or scientific method... or boredom.
Happy with my results on warming up my science experiment without the plate melting, I recorded the smells of the fake bacon. To describe is how I imagine foreign sentient aliens reconstructing a flavor that someone told them about but that they were unable to completely duplicate. Ever seen The Matrix? Remember the conversation about Malt-o-Meal and chicken? Yup, sort of like that. The fake bacon had hints of bacon smell but mostly smelled like chemicals. Note: This could have partially been the melted plate from test one.
If I had to caption this picture, it would be "IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE." This was taken before any real bite was taken out of the fake bacon subject.
Someone has to do it. Why not me?
Processing the results.
Hulk Smash!
Scientific conclusion:
People who do not eat bacon are attempting to make a product they know nothing about. If I can make a correlation to the field of theology, eating fake bacon borders on blasphemy. In the name of Science and in broadening my experiences at the prompting of my culture and peers, I put my taste buds on the line. They will not easily or soon forgive me. I just hope God does. I also hope he forgives people for making fake bacon.
End notes and recommendations: Do not attempt this test at home. Especially do not attempt this without having a "control" group as I forgot to do. Nothing could wash the mediocre chemical taste out of my mouth. Not beer, not chicken sandwiches, not leftover boiled easter eggs and certainly not more fake bacon. I had no real bacon on hand to fry in a delicious pan. No spatting pig-fat-in-a-pan to quench my desire for bacon. I did take a shower after the experiment but I still felt dirty.
END
