Good.
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Did you ever just have that one person in your life...
- Thread starter JetGirl
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Good.
Not that I'm judging.
It is a for sure thing. What you put on the wheel will come back around.
And I've got the marks on my A$$ to prove that.
My stream is starting to run clear again. I am sure there are a few marks as well.
Yep. They say forgive and forget but I can do neither for the three people that almost ended my life years ago. It was not exactly malicious, one was acting through sheer stupidity and the other two for personal reasons while not caring about doing the right thing or the consequences on anyone else. Those people, should the above happen, I would not lift a finger to assist no matter what. Does that make me a bad person, maybe so but that is the way it is and I will have to live with myself should I ever happen upon the good fortune to witness Karma in action firsthand.
So here's what this was pretty much about (as short as I can be, which isn't going to be that short)...
In 2007, my mom sat down with a lawyer and drew up her Will, her Estate Plan, her living will, and everything necessary to give me power of attorney. The fact that her own mother passed away years ago having Alzheimer's made mom uneasy about not having what she wanted legally documented. She wanted to know her wishes would be known and carried out.
A few years after that, her older brother died ...he had Alzheimer's and dementia, too. My mom fretted and worried over this...just knowing that she couldn't dodge that genetic bullet.
Near the end of 2012, mom started "getting forgetful". In mid 2013, she was concerned enough to seek out different doctors. After a couple months of monitoring and tests, she was prescribed Namenda and Aricept... medications to slow the progression of Alzheimer's.
Her current husband and I never got along... He treated my mom like dog poo, and I despised him for it. Yelling at her all the time, telling her she was worthless, calling her everything but human, and just basically being a rotten individual. Over the years, I'd often ask if he was hitting her or if she was in fear of her life, but she always downplayed it and said stuff like "Of course not...he's just like that". Mom would threaten to leave him when he got drunk...and several times she'd "run away from home" and come back to Indiana, but he'd call with a sob story and cry to her and she'd go back. Every time.
Well...when she started getting really forgetful, he drank even more and got even meaner. He berated her for every little forgotten thing, and stressed her out so bad, it made things worse for her. He often took away her medication and flushed it. Every time I called, he would answer the phone and she was either "sleeping", or "in the bathroom", or "outside", or "at the neighbor's"...and pretty soon they had no phone except the one cell he kept in his pocket. He never let me talk to her.
Fast forward to last April... My half brother (we share a common dad, but I'm my mom's only child) was in Florida and went to visit mom. When he showed up unannounced, he called me and said, "I don't think anybody lives here...the place is boarded up and doesn't look lived in." We found out that her husband stuck her in a nursing home without any word to any of us. When I called around to get some info, I found two arrest records with her husband's name on them. They had case numbers, so I called the sheriff's records office and obtained the police reports. Turns out that he beat my mom and pulled a gun on her...shot holes inside their house all over, and threatened another person that was there (that person called 911). Mom was taken away via EMTs to a hospital with two black eyes and various injuries...and the report said her husband had "cuts and swelling on the knuckles of his hands consistent with most domestic battery suspects". From the hospital, my mom was transferred to the nursing home after they evaluated her.
I called around places near me and started making plans to fly down and retrieve her and have her admitted less than a couple miles from me.
Everything was in motion to go get her and the last thing I needed to do was have the social worker at the nursing home here contact the assigned social worker at the nursing home there, and have the medical info (doctor's notes/med scripts/therapies/etc.) faxed here.
When they called down to FL for the fax, they were told I couldn't obtain that info. So I called the administrator myself and told them what I was doing and how it was going to transpire. They told me I couldn't do that. I informed them I was her Power of Attorney, so yes I could.
They said, "We have her power of attorney documentation and the name on it is not yours".
Turns out that AFTER she'd been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Dementia, and AFTER she'd been on Namenda and Aricept for it, in September of 2013 her husband got her to give power of attorney to his daughter-in-law ...notarized. Now, I don't know if she was having a day when she was passing as "OK" or if the notary was a little shady, but apparently since these diseases progress at different rates in each individual, there is no way to prove that she may not have been of sound mind or that she was changing her documentation under duress.
I've been through eight lawyers (including four who deal specifically with elder law and these types of events), tons of hours of digging through documents and hanging on the phone, and a bunch of $$ savings. The bottom line is that I have no say.
About anything. At any time. I'm not even listed as someone who can be told information. Completely legal.
They say I can fight it in court, but even by some chance if I win a case...it will take nearly every cent I have left and my mom likely won't live to see the outcome.
Up to today;
Mom was since moved to a secure facility one month ago(for wanderers) and although I'm finally allowed to call and check on her... she doesn't know who I am anymore. I call every other day or so...just to hear her voice, even if she doesn't know me. At least I know she's safe, getting the care and meds she needs, and nobody is "using her as a punching bag" (her words in the last police report). Her mind has gone downhill fast, and it just kills me. Her husband's daughter-in-law (no relation to me and mom at all) is in the driver's seat for everything. Awhile back, I recorded a phone conversation with her (legally) and she just spewed lie after lie. It was gut-wrenching. I don't know what they think they are going to get out of all this, because mom doesn't have any assets or holdings, and if she did the state would take control due to medicaid use.
Bottom line... my mom's memory loss is a blessing to her because she doesn't have to remember how she was beaten. She doesn't have to remember any bad thing. Somewhere locked behind that Alzheimer's curtain, I know she loves me. I just really really miss her. I hate having to "get permission" from a stranger to send her pictures or things... I'm her only child.
This whole write up^ seems super long...but it's just a scant scratching of the surface with TONS of stuff left out. I have kept a journal of every phone call and every interaction...it's filled one and a half hard cover lined books so far. I don't even know why I did...I've never been the type to faithfully keep a diary. I started doing it just to retain phone numbers and names and it went from there.
Anyhow...
The last kicker is that even though the nursing home is aware of the police records and all the events...
he can still visit her and be alone with her. And he does.
And there's nothing I can do about it.
If you read this far... thanks.
If you gave up...I completely understand.
In 2007, my mom sat down with a lawyer and drew up her Will, her Estate Plan, her living will, and everything necessary to give me power of attorney. The fact that her own mother passed away years ago having Alzheimer's made mom uneasy about not having what she wanted legally documented. She wanted to know her wishes would be known and carried out.
A few years after that, her older brother died ...he had Alzheimer's and dementia, too. My mom fretted and worried over this...just knowing that she couldn't dodge that genetic bullet.
Near the end of 2012, mom started "getting forgetful". In mid 2013, she was concerned enough to seek out different doctors. After a couple months of monitoring and tests, she was prescribed Namenda and Aricept... medications to slow the progression of Alzheimer's.
Her current husband and I never got along... He treated my mom like dog poo, and I despised him for it. Yelling at her all the time, telling her she was worthless, calling her everything but human, and just basically being a rotten individual. Over the years, I'd often ask if he was hitting her or if she was in fear of her life, but she always downplayed it and said stuff like "Of course not...he's just like that". Mom would threaten to leave him when he got drunk...and several times she'd "run away from home" and come back to Indiana, but he'd call with a sob story and cry to her and she'd go back. Every time.
Well...when she started getting really forgetful, he drank even more and got even meaner. He berated her for every little forgotten thing, and stressed her out so bad, it made things worse for her. He often took away her medication and flushed it. Every time I called, he would answer the phone and she was either "sleeping", or "in the bathroom", or "outside", or "at the neighbor's"...and pretty soon they had no phone except the one cell he kept in his pocket. He never let me talk to her.
Fast forward to last April... My half brother (we share a common dad, but I'm my mom's only child) was in Florida and went to visit mom. When he showed up unannounced, he called me and said, "I don't think anybody lives here...the place is boarded up and doesn't look lived in." We found out that her husband stuck her in a nursing home without any word to any of us. When I called around to get some info, I found two arrest records with her husband's name on them. They had case numbers, so I called the sheriff's records office and obtained the police reports. Turns out that he beat my mom and pulled a gun on her...shot holes inside their house all over, and threatened another person that was there (that person called 911). Mom was taken away via EMTs to a hospital with two black eyes and various injuries...and the report said her husband had "cuts and swelling on the knuckles of his hands consistent with most domestic battery suspects". From the hospital, my mom was transferred to the nursing home after they evaluated her.
I called around places near me and started making plans to fly down and retrieve her and have her admitted less than a couple miles from me.
Everything was in motion to go get her and the last thing I needed to do was have the social worker at the nursing home here contact the assigned social worker at the nursing home there, and have the medical info (doctor's notes/med scripts/therapies/etc.) faxed here.
When they called down to FL for the fax, they were told I couldn't obtain that info. So I called the administrator myself and told them what I was doing and how it was going to transpire. They told me I couldn't do that. I informed them I was her Power of Attorney, so yes I could.
They said, "We have her power of attorney documentation and the name on it is not yours".
Turns out that AFTER she'd been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Dementia, and AFTER she'd been on Namenda and Aricept for it, in September of 2013 her husband got her to give power of attorney to his daughter-in-law ...notarized. Now, I don't know if she was having a day when she was passing as "OK" or if the notary was a little shady, but apparently since these diseases progress at different rates in each individual, there is no way to prove that she may not have been of sound mind or that she was changing her documentation under duress.
I've been through eight lawyers (including four who deal specifically with elder law and these types of events), tons of hours of digging through documents and hanging on the phone, and a bunch of $$ savings. The bottom line is that I have no say.
About anything. At any time. I'm not even listed as someone who can be told information. Completely legal.
They say I can fight it in court, but even by some chance if I win a case...it will take nearly every cent I have left and my mom likely won't live to see the outcome.
Up to today;
Mom was since moved to a secure facility one month ago(for wanderers) and although I'm finally allowed to call and check on her... she doesn't know who I am anymore. I call every other day or so...just to hear her voice, even if she doesn't know me. At least I know she's safe, getting the care and meds she needs, and nobody is "using her as a punching bag" (her words in the last police report). Her mind has gone downhill fast, and it just kills me. Her husband's daughter-in-law (no relation to me and mom at all) is in the driver's seat for everything. Awhile back, I recorded a phone conversation with her (legally) and she just spewed lie after lie. It was gut-wrenching. I don't know what they think they are going to get out of all this, because mom doesn't have any assets or holdings, and if she did the state would take control due to medicaid use.
Bottom line... my mom's memory loss is a blessing to her because she doesn't have to remember how she was beaten. She doesn't have to remember any bad thing. Somewhere locked behind that Alzheimer's curtain, I know she loves me. I just really really miss her. I hate having to "get permission" from a stranger to send her pictures or things... I'm her only child.
This whole write up^ seems super long...but it's just a scant scratching of the surface with TONS of stuff left out. I have kept a journal of every phone call and every interaction...it's filled one and a half hard cover lined books so far. I don't even know why I did...I've never been the type to faithfully keep a diary. I started doing it just to retain phone numbers and names and it went from there.
Anyhow...
The last kicker is that even though the nursing home is aware of the police records and all the events...
he can still visit her and be alone with her. And he does.
And there's nothing I can do about it.
If you read this far... thanks.
If you gave up...I completely understand.
Last edited:
Holy crap JG.
I feel your pain and sadness. Had a similar situation with my Mom but nothing this critical.
Some people need to be hit by a Bus and watched from a lawn chair while they bleed out.
I feel your pain and sadness. Had a similar situation with my Mom but nothing this critical.
Some people need to be hit by a Bus and watched from a lawn chair while they bleed out.
Slawburger
Master
I am sorry to hear about the situation with your Mom.
shibumiseeker
Grandmaster
Damn lady, yeah, that would make my "dance on their graves list."
It is a very minor blessing that if her younger life was a happy one, that was what she remembered last. I've dealt with Alzheimer's patients who were beaten/abused as children and that was the reality they lived now. A more hideous and horrible existence I can't imagine.
My father is at a similar point in Alzheimer's right now. He wasn't abused, but his new family were taking advantage of him financially. Luckily in this particular situation I have unbreakable power of attorney for him (long story I won't get into here and doesn't apply to your situation) and I granted my half-sister who I trust implicitly medical power (she's a physician) and a trusted attorney as a trustee. My half-sisters got him out of that situation and he is now living in as best of a situation as he can.
My heart breaks for you. In my case at least I can blame greed for the situation my father had been in when it first started. In your case it's just plain evil what they put your mom through.
It is a very minor blessing that if her younger life was a happy one, that was what she remembered last. I've dealt with Alzheimer's patients who were beaten/abused as children and that was the reality they lived now. A more hideous and horrible existence I can't imagine.
My father is at a similar point in Alzheimer's right now. He wasn't abused, but his new family were taking advantage of him financially. Luckily in this particular situation I have unbreakable power of attorney for him (long story I won't get into here and doesn't apply to your situation) and I granted my half-sister who I trust implicitly medical power (she's a physician) and a trusted attorney as a trustee. My half-sisters got him out of that situation and he is now living in as best of a situation as he can.
My heart breaks for you. In my case at least I can blame greed for the situation my father had been in when it first started. In your case it's just plain evil what they put your mom through.
She was six when her dad died. Her mother had never had a job outside the home...so she, her brother (8yrs old) and their mom were taken in by her uncle (her mom's brother). They had four kids of their own... so they were a family of 3 adults and 6 kids living in one house on one income (late 1940s). It was a hard struggling childhood with not many things and next to no money growing up in "somebody else's house" using "somebody else's things". Her mother constantly told her not to touch things that didn't belong to her (everything) and she felt like an outsider her whole life.
I have no idea what things run through her mind today, but she regularly talks about "the bad paperwork" and "those boys". Sometimes I wonder if she's trying hard to remember or convey the whole "power of attorney" thing... or if it's just coincidence and it's something entirely different. Then she'll switch to saying things like when dad gets home we'll all go look for the deals but we won't buy anything because we have bad credit.... random things like that. Yesterday she talked about broken park benches and having to find the automotive section in a store.
JG......You and all involved (on the positive side) are in our prayers.
I have no other words to cover this that would not get me a time out.
I have no other words to cover this that would not get me a time out.
Keep this in mind for a group call our at a later date.
Last edited:
Cpt Caveman
Master
I kinda know what you are going through, Jetgirl.
Alzheimer's is bad stuff. I watched my grandmother and great grandmother deal with it in their later years. My grand dad took car of my grandmother for 20 or so years, until he was no longer able to pick her up when she fell. He was there and "with it" to make decisions though, thank God for that.
A few years after my grandma died my grandfather died . A year or so later my dad died and my Mom moved in with my sister and BIL that had been renting Granpa's old place. Nice house he had built so his wife didn't have to use any stairs. To make a long story short, my sister leveraged Mom's confidence and trust in her into getting her name on a mortgage to the house and 6 months later she basically kicked her out and put it on the market. Mom now lives with my other sister a few miles away in the house we were raised in.
I gotta choose to forgive her everyday seems like. I'm hoping one of these days it will stick. I don't try to forgive her for her benefit I do it for my own benefit. It was eating my lunch. Had to try and let it go. It still makes me mad sometimes but I'm working on it.
Hopin good things for you and yer mom.
Alzheimer's is bad stuff. I watched my grandmother and great grandmother deal with it in their later years. My grand dad took car of my grandmother for 20 or so years, until he was no longer able to pick her up when she fell. He was there and "with it" to make decisions though, thank God for that.
A few years after my grandma died my grandfather died . A year or so later my dad died and my Mom moved in with my sister and BIL that had been renting Granpa's old place. Nice house he had built so his wife didn't have to use any stairs. To make a long story short, my sister leveraged Mom's confidence and trust in her into getting her name on a mortgage to the house and 6 months later she basically kicked her out and put it on the market. Mom now lives with my other sister a few miles away in the house we were raised in.
I gotta choose to forgive her everyday seems like. I'm hoping one of these days it will stick. I don't try to forgive her for her benefit I do it for my own benefit. It was eating my lunch. Had to try and let it go. It still makes me mad sometimes but I'm working on it.
Hopin good things for you and yer mom.
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